Things I’ve Learned This Week

- If I fall asleep with CSPAN on, I have hot politically charged sex dreams. If I fall asleep to the History Channel, I dream about being socially “stuck” spending time with a lunatic who is pressuring me into buying the “state” coins. The worst part of last night’s dream involved Gill offering to buy half the states and a storage box to shut the guy up while I frantically (but unsuccessfully) tried to signal him not to make the purchase.

- Apparently, our “village” has a leaf law. (Is anybody surprised that we were found in violation of said law?) I still don’t understand what bad choices I made in life that got me to the point where I live in a place that is pretentious enough both to call itself a “village” and to have a leaf law.

-Speaking of bad choices, may I mention that I just got schooled by my six year old? When I referred to his classmate as a pain in the ass he agreed but then added, “Maybe instead of that you could say bohookey or hindquarters”.

- Turns out fathead.com is not a gag after all. It is a genuine company that sells life size wall stickies. I’m a little pissed because it does seem to be gender biased. I did find a life sized Zac Efron however. No need to judge friends. Remember our talk about the difference between embarrassing and illegal? In real life he’s 21.

Well friends, that’s all I got this morning. Except a notice that I’m changing the format of the Crsees. From now on, in hopes of alleviating some of the brutal competition that’s been surrounding the event, I’m just adding random Crsees to the bottom of my posts. Today’s random Crsee?

The “If I Lived An Alternate Life” site: Jackassletters.com is living the crseum dream. Friends, he wrote a letter to toys r us requesting “Adults Only” night. Now that, gentle readers, is Pure Crsee.

Chasing Out The February (Gretty’s Tuesday Ten)

(yeah it’s wednesday, don’t you people know the rules of tuesday ten?) Ahhh friends. It’s been bleak in my soul as of late. My house is collapsing around me (that’s not metaphorical). People kind of suck (surprise!). I send unsolicited slightly erratic emails to folks. (Sorry XO, you know I love you) Stupid minorly bad things keep happening that cost me money and make me grumpy.Thus, all signs point to a Tuesday Ten!

1. When I rear-ended the woman on the freeway tonight she was extremely nice about it. AND the police officer was just a durned little angel sent from heaven. No citation.
2. I had a mean ass tasty burger for lunch. It was the mother of all burgers. (To be clear, it was mean-ass tasty NOT tasting like ass)
3. The Turnip is consistently using the potty except for the pooping (ahhh…the pooping. Can you blame the kid? Pooping is kind of freaky when it’s all hanging out there over that gaping hole right?)
4. Luckybuzz IS IN OHIO AS WE SPEAK! (well as i write this. Give me a break people. It’s been rough)
5. The gas bill that I forgot to transfer over during the financial horrors of the summer and just remembered a few days ago when the air out of my vent seemed cold turned out to be WAY lower than one would think.
6. Chuzzle. Yeah. Im pretty good at it. Hit level 12 this weekend. Ok you can tell me how awesome I am.
7. The fabus are coming this weekend! And it’s the litchicklet’s birthday party! And trick or treating at bonsai’s!
8. Im going to attemptNanowrimowith Gill. Novel is a loose term of course but Nanowrimo isn’t exactly….highbrow.
9. I have really talented awesome people in my life who encourage me in these little indulgences.
which leads me to (do you even have to guess?)
10. VOTE PRETTY is on the brink. We are in negotiations right now for a press event monday night. Photo shoot is already scheduled. At the very least we will be having a “fireside chat” style interview (if not a debate) as well as a lovely array of campaign photos to launch on the VOTE PRETTY BLOG*
Of course, the poll is ON friends.
Vote as much as you like! (Because isn’t that what America should be about?)

* I still have not officially endorsed a candidate so those of you supporting MRN, it’s still on!

October Surprise

Ok friends, we took a break over the weekend but now it’s time to return to some serious election coverage here at the Crseum. Such is the fate of a blogger in a battleground state. Regular readers know Ive been leaning hard towards republican front-runner John McCain MRN over at Caturday Night Live. This candidate Q & A piece can give undecided voters a comprehensive view of his position on several major issues. I can’t pretend that I haven’t gotten some opposition from my loved ones about supporting a republican. “But Crse! How can you vote republican? You aren’t rich and you don’t give a crap about unborn babies. What are you thinking?” Since I vote with my heart, all I could do was fall back on MRN’s now famous campaign slogan “Snitches Get Stitches”. But friends, as quickly as the weather changes here in the middle east, I got a text on my cell-phone that could truly turn this race around. Introducing: October’s Biggest Surprise.

A lot of presidential candidates are making tons of promises that they’ll never keep. I Maxine Factor make no promises, and won’t do anything to enhance these our united states. So if you are undecided on or just don’t care who to vote for this november, remember the choice is clear… Maxine for president in the write in box. Please forward this to everyone you know, because only you can help not make a difference.

Needless to say, I was quite intrigued so I decided to investigate further. After extensive googling, I learned that not only is the winsome Maxine Factor boldly NOT claiming to have invented google but she is also not so much with the internet. So I did the next best thing, I texted her. She graciously agreed to take time out of her busy campaign schedule to answer a few questions for me.

Q: First Ms. Factor, let me thank you for conversing with me via text today. I’m certainly impressed with your….prettiness. But tell me. Why should we vote for you for president.
A: Because anybody who’s anybody would vote for me. I’m the Gucci of candidates. All the popular kids should want to give me their vote.

Q: Fair enough. We’ve been hearing a lot about the awful state of the economy lately. How do you plan to help America through this difficult time?
A: I’ve never heard of that state…America has 50 states and Economy isn’t one of them. Now if you wanna discuss Maryland, I’m all ears.

Q: I see you aren’t afraid of tough questions. Maybe you could tell me about your plans for foreign relations.
A: (with a slightly indignant tone)It just makes certain slanderous Jessica Simpson comparisons seem justified. I have ABSOLUTELY NO PLANS to have relations with foreigners. They are strictly hired to do yard work.

Finally, a morally sound president with an immigration policy that works for everyone. I didn’t want to take up any more of Maxine Factor’s time, but she did agree to take additional questions from readers.

I admit friends, I am torn. Hmmm…both of these candidates are local. I wonder if it’s too late for a “town hall meeting” type of debate. I do encourage all of you to rock the vote by spreading these two candidates and their messages around the internet. Also, I strongly urge you to vote. As often as you can. In my poll. Oh and ask Maxine questions below!

For Your Monday Pleasure

Here is some irrelevant monday crap because I can’t get a post together and I know my monday people need this.

First a list of posts in progress: (Does it surprise you that I have posts in progress? Well the word progress is kind of up for a more loose interpretation. I am thinking about these things but they haven’t quite come together yet)

1. The aforementioned “Why I think the original Jesus sayings indicate a generally undiscussed sense of jerkiness in his character and how I realized in the nick of time that as relevant as it seemed I probably ought not say that in a room full of Christians” – I need to do my research plus Im not ready for more conflict.

2. A disturbing establishment sanctioned abandonment of a long standing social norm at one of my favorite restaurants and why I can’t go back there ever again.- Im still working this all out in my head. It was that disturbing.

3. An “about town” review of a dance I went to on Saturday in which I wanted to share anecdotes involving my new friend Lars the Protector (who is a stand-up comedian, which of course elevates him to instant star status in mind) and others “on the scene”. Unfortunately the review was supposed to involve a report of Y-town’s newly single  Dennick caught in the act of “canoodling” during wild boy on the town moments. – Still working this out plus Dennick stubbornly refused to canoodle by 930 when gill dragged me home (for reasons too graphic to discuss even on this blog)(I will just add that in retrospect, yes I am moderately embarrassed about having an impromptu educational forum about fisting in front of one of my favorite mom-friends and her 17 year old daughter. Thank you pre-gaming. Thank you mango rum.).

4. Another gossipy speculative post on Madame Fabu’s sister’s wedding and my hopes that if god forbid it tanks, we still get to eat all those cookies. (Mother Fabu can make some mean-ass cookies my friends)

Next:

Ive been out and about in the blogosphere over the past few weeks and want to share some of my favorite new sites:

MRN: Caturday Night Live. If you like lolcatz, you will love this site. If you hate lolcatz, you will love this site. But this fellow isn’t all lolcatz (or lolhooterzgirlz), he is also running for president with the slogan “snitches get stitches”. I don’t want to speak too soon or split the vote, but MRN is on my short list…..and you might want to stay tuned for an endorsement announcement.

Arjewtino His subtitle is “Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”. My beloved SIL Lucy turned me onto Arjewtino a few weeks ago and the man is a freaking comic genius.

Elecpencil: Poetry and Angst From A Middle Ager I know what you are thinking readers. “But crse, you hate poetry!” But friends, his poems are funny and don’t rhyme. Win-Win for crse.

ok so what else?
- No matter what you hear, the bloody nose I gave Gill this morning was a total accident. (if that’s what you all want to believe hehehe)
- We seem to suffer from a consistent ketchup deficit in our house and I don’t understand why. Today? My vision of plentiful involves a ketchup glut here at the crseum. My goal is to create that glut by thanksgiving. Then maybe I will make a cornucopia of ketchup.
- I have many rational things to be anxious about right now. Instead, Im deciding to hyperfocus on the fact that I haven’t ordered our book-club books and our meeting is next tuesday. “Well crse,” you might be reasoning “you only have eight days and that’s kind of a big responsibility”. Except Im only responsible for myself and litchick. And she never starts the reading until the weekend before (if not the day before) book club. Someday I should blog about my relationship with litchick. She is so good for my soul, if you haven’t already figured that out.
-Note to self: When you meet a friend through LBGT activism don’t automatically assume that when they say something like “I have to ask you something later but you can tell me it’s none of my business”, they are going to ask if you were ever a man. (It was a hand-me-down clothes question. Decidedly less dramatic. Thanks again Lucy, for talking me down on that one)

ok that should keep my monday folks until i get something meatier…

a cheat post cut and paste from the interim blog

Hey hey you you I dont wanna be your girlfriend….

Norm has been singing this all night long. Id like to think that Im not correcting his interpretation of these lyrics because I don’t want to stifle his creativity. In reality, I just like his version better. I like to think of my little guy telling off his would be boyfriends in such a firm fiesty way. It cheers me up.

Right now we are watching Dora on demand. Gill is not here. The turnip just wiped half a container of pink salve all over his skin. I think this will be problematic at some point in the very near future, but hopefully gill will be home in the very near future so it will work out. I think the turnip sees Dora as some sort of animated small perry mason (with boots being her della street). As she is working her way through the adventure, he gets this expression on his face like…”Ask the map you say? Well played. madam. Well played indeed.” At the end of every episode he offers up a look of triumph and some garbled exclamation that I think might be “Isn’t she frickin brilliant?” It does not matter if he’s seen the episode five times that day, he is consistently excited about the outcome. I would compare it to his joy on a holiday morning but Im too apprehesive and superstitious to make such a statement since he’s been telling us that he wants to cook and eat the easter bunny.

Ok, I guess I can offer a PSA about my newest addiction. Lime chips. (a little shout out to lucy here as her lime chips last month started this whole obsession). I prefer the local store brand to the tostitos brand because they are limier. Now friends, i think we all know I don’t have the highest nutritional standards but even in the midst of the honey mustard pringle madness, I had never eaten an entire bag of chips in one sitting. I hang my head in shame because i can no longer claim that to be true. I am nothing less than a junkie friends. I have ulcers on my tongue from the salt (or perhaps they are citric acid burns, i don’t know and am too strung out to care) and yet I can’t stop. Even worse, yesterday I discovered that the addictive ingredient was MSG, (an old familiar monkey Ive shaken off my back many a time in the past) and still I eat on. It’s probably too late for me but friends. Do not even pick up the lime chips if you can help yourselves. it’s not worth the pain.

Is anyone following the eliot spitzer case? Now I have to say, if anyone was ever in a position to take the moral high ground by claiming interest was purely political it’s me. I actually ti-voed the sub-prime mortgage hearings last friday (don’t anyone give it away if you’ve already seen them). So I have some street cred when it comes to following political happenings for the sake of knowledge gathering. im not all about the scandal. Except friends? In this case, I TOTALLY AM!!! I REALLY want to know what “things that you know…you might not think are safe” that he may have asked prostitutes to do. In fact, I read the entire affidavit at 5am today to see if these unsafe things were mentioned. Why? Oh please friends. You all know im a twelve year old boy trapped in the body of a 37 year old woman. Why waste my time on internet porn or skinemax on demand when i can relentlessly scan legal documents for the slightest glimpse of a description of something dangerously kinky? huhuhuh huhuhuhuh..huhuhuhuh huhuhuhuh…affidavits are hot…. I need a damn life. But hey…at least Im blogging more…

Its not just goofing off and playing mah jong you know….

This is a snapshot of a viewpoint ive experienced in random twenty minute increments over the past two days. Sometimes, I dont realize right off the bat that maybe its kind of abnormal for my child to sit six inches away with a mouth full of bubble gum and grab my face silently whenever I look away lest I miss one single minute of the complicated and extensive bubble blowing process. This started yesterday and after two nights of offering continued praise at success and maintaining a constant encouraging facial expression as round after round of bubble gum spittle shoots at me during the practice of his new talent, it occurs to me that regardless of the hundreds of other ways Ive ruined my child, at least he always feels validated.
Hopefully.

Here is a PSA for you: Expired contact lenses may not cause problems. Expired saline solution will burn your eyes like a thousand white hot pokers. I dont know what the window is on the saline but I can tell you that is definitely less than five years.