normisms

As usual, a work in progress….

Me-“Do you feel up to go to the voting place?”

Norm-“Why can’t you go later when Dad gets home?”

Me- “All the cool stuff will be gone. They have cookies you know”

Norm-”Well, I could use some cookies. Will Barack Obama be there?”

Me- “No buddy”

Norm- “Oh man. How about John McCain at least?”

(when Gill said something about listerine) “I didn’t know we had trines. Where are they?”

“Next time Bryana (11 year old neighbor) tries to tell me what to do, Im going to tell her ‘look here lady, you’re not the boss of my body’ ”

“I think I need to open

“Hey Turnip. Stop giving my minions orders. They’re not your minions. They don’t even look like you.”
(when he heard about the vp nomination) “Aw man, I wanted Hilary too. Or Bohama.”

(As he is walking across the campground with Senor Fabu) “I think when I retire, Im going to move here.”

(About his french toast, made by the Au Pair) “It’s ok!” (as soon as AP walks out of the room) “I don’t like it that much mom. It tastes like wet dog hair but don’t tell Mr. AP”

(To the turnip in a very disappointed voice) “You make Elmo sad. Very very sad.”

(When I asked how he was doing when he called me on his new Pirates of the Caribbean phone)-“Oh just sitting here. Waiting for you to pick up the phone. Thats all.”

(when we were calling to Gill and he was not answering) “I think you are gonna need your bitchy yell Mom.”

(to the turnip in a very sweet voice) Are you my little penis turnip? You are my little penis! Oh yes you are! You are brother’s little penis!

“I have three wishes mommy. First wish, I want the justice league to be real. Second wish, I want to be a prince. Third wish, I want to be a cavatelli”

“Thats just an old pioneer joke”

“Its all about the technology Mommy”

“Dont worry, I have the eyes of a condor”

“NO mommy. Do you hear me? P-R-T. NO”

On Kindergarten. “I dont need to go to kendragarten. I already know how to dance.”
“What kind of clothes do I wear to kendragarten? Regular clothes or dance clothes?”

(A note he read aloud to me from a piece of sponge bob paper with musical notes on it): “Dear mommy, you are the best rocker mommy ever. You rock. I love you. Signed “norm” ”

(after being told that he had to buy presents for other people, instead of shopping for himself) “But mommy, Christmas is about giving and sharing. You are being selfish”

“I dont want the bananas. I just want the split”

“I heard the baby crying a little later ago.”

“Well we can go at twelve thirty or one thirty or any thirty you want ok?”

*”Maybe we can go see Princess Fabu (alias) today!” (insert me telling him she is in school)”Aww dammit.”

* (when he is mad at me for getting him up for school). “mom Im not going to talk to you till my dying day.”

* (at the cemetary while I was trying to track down my grandmother’s grave stone) “mom, she is not here. She is dead. Im cold. Can we just go home please?”

* (when I asked why the teacher was doubled over and waving me inside the pool room) “I told the teacher I have a rule that I don’t pee in the pool”.

* (me) “where do you come up with these great ideas?” (norm) “oh I just imaginate them”

* “will somebody please carry me to the couch? I’m so tired and I feel like an old guy”

* (thanking his “girlfriend” for her birthday party) “Your party was really fun. The cake tasted really good. Oh and the ice cream tasted really good too.”

* (upon seeing a sign indicating no bare feet) “That means no foots allowed.”

* “It’s not your birthday mommy, it’s our birthday”

* “Urine? yeah I know what urine is! Its a place with a lot of buildings.”

* (at calling hours as we approached the casket of my uncle’s mother) “Yep she’s dead allright”

* (as we are leaving a restaurant he is singing out loud..) “hit the road, jackass”

* “I dont want to wear shorts today. I want to wear longs.”

* (Gill to me) “I had a harried time tonight”. (norm) “I had a curly time”.

*”daddy we have to have a discussion about you being a dick to mommy”

*(getting up and walking into kitchen where Gill is drinking coffee, saying in a very pleasant tone) “Good morning how are you?” (Gill replies)”How are you buddy?” (Norm in a really nasty tone) “I wasnt talking to YOU. I was talking to my GOLDFISH!”

* “do ants like coffee?”

* “Im trying very hard to turn to the ways of good”

* (when a ten year old girl smiled at him from her car) – “that girl smiled at me mommy. She must love me.”

* (why do they always involve bathroom humor?) (preface this one by explaining I always use wipes to wipe him after his business, but we were out so I had to use toilet paper) “Its ok Mommy, Daddy always uses toilet paper…..OUCH MOMMY! You have to do it smooth and careful like daddy!”

*(Gill)- “Pick it up! One-Two” (Norm)- “Im going to Im going to! Don’t say 3 because Im already going to.”

* “Lets be evil friends.”- If you know Gill, you know why this is so great.

*(me) “are you tired buddy?”
(norm) “No I just feel normal sized.”

*”Mommy you shouldnt say asshole because asshole is a bad word. Instead, say oh tartar sauce”

*”this is my puppy. His name is Turnip. He eats poop sometimes.”

* “Those assholes at dairy queen screwed up my order” (I had to ask what happened to tartar sauce?)

*(his friend) “I have a tv in my room that is princess pink.”
(Norm) ” Yes well the tv in my room is sharktooth black”

*”When we use up the baby, can we get a dog?”

*(at the drive in) “If we stay for the next movie, Im going to be cold for the rest of my life”

*(Gill)-“I dont know why Im so tired today”
(me)-“I know Im tired because I ate too much sugar.”
(norm, in a sweet tone, out of the blue) “Im tired because I hate you guys”
(Gill) “Yeah buddy, hating people will make you tired. It takes a lot of energy.”

*(telling the story of how the lawn mower broke) (I know. Nobody has pointed fingers yet, but I have a sick feeling about hitting a metal plug in the yard)- “There daddy was, in the middle of the yard and suddenly it squeaked and then the lawn mower broked and it didnt start nooo more”

*”Mommy is the boss but some times Daddy forgets.”

*”Mommy, dont say fucker, its a bad word”

*(During an argument with his friend, picking up my cell phone)- “Im calling the police on you!”
(During same argument)- “Mommy she is really pissing me off. ”

*(on the toilet one day) ” Little red monster is my friend. He pushes the poop out of my butt.”

*(when he had digestive problems)- “My butt puked”

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11 Responses to normisms

  1. NYC Taxi Shots says:

    .

  2. Canada says:

    “When we use up the baby, can we get a dog?”!!!! OMG, too funny.

    I’m here ’cause Luckybuzz told me to be! Well, she told everyone, but since I’m in Canada, it isn’t Independence Day and I’m not out drinking 😦 But I did it all on Canada Day!

    I’ll be back (ps how old is Norm?)

  3. Anonymous says:

    They do say the damdest things, don’t they? My 3 year old granddaughter’s latest was:

    (giggling in her car seat): Excuse me! I made a stinky! (More giggles) It came out my wee pot…it made 2 bubbles! (Helpless laughter)

    I guess it was the first time she’d ever farted while sitting down. 🙂

    Anyway, I’m here from Luckybuzz, as well, and will be back.

    Rebecca

  4. crse says:

    Im so happy to have friends of luckybuzz visit me! She is staying with me right now and is largely responsible for the move to blogger(in a very good way). She is also out at a party with Gospel Bob right now celebrating the birth of our nation. Norm is four years old, thank you for asking. There will be much more about him and the turnip (his brother who turns a year on July 18) as i get more organized and unpack on the site!

  5. luckybuzz says:

    Norm is hilarious. And way too adorable.

  6. factor 10 says:

    I’m not here from luckybuzz, but I do loves me some Normisms. My brother had to pay his daughter a quarter everytime he cursed, and so came up with substitutes that start the same (ie, SHugar, FUdge, MOTHERhummer) to try and save money. Work always laughs at me when I say sugar. But I say it a lot. 😀

  7. Jesse says:

    I had a banana spilt where they forgot the banana. It was wacky.

  8. Xavier Onassis says:

    I love the Normisms.

    My daughter is 13 now. The only inappropriate language I ever heard her use was when she was Norm’s age or younger. We were walking down the hall, she looked in her older step-sister’s room and must have seen something she hadn’t noticed before. She looked, cocked her head and said “What the hell is that?” Took all the control I could muster to not laugh.

  9. luckybuzz says:

    Okay, the first two on this list are Just. Freaking. Brilliant.

    And I will love Norm until MY dying day for the “I already know how to dance” line. OMG, I am totally loving me some Norm. 🙂

  10. au pair says:

    “(About his french toast, made by the Au Pair) “It’s ok!” (as soon as AP walks out of the room) “I don’t like it that much mom. It tastes like wet dog hair but don’t tell Mr. AP””

    Well now I know how Norm feels, are you ready to tell me how you REALLY felt about the french toast? HUH???????

    :p

    seriously though, I need to know so I don’t feed wet dog hair to others

  11. au pair says:

    -AN UNOFFICIAL (and maybe not that epic) normism WITNESSED BY the au pair-
    (After having played a few rounds of musical chairs, and Turnip having gleefully lost many, he turns on the TV to reveal Two and a Half Men. After two seconds Norm turns to Turnip and says…)
    “Do you want to watch this, Turnip?”
    “Yuh-huh”
    (Norm replies with a surprised, dissatisfied yet acceptive tone…)
    “Really?? Cause I don’t.”

    …and it remained on.

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