Meet Dirty Louie (you lookin’ at me?)

Well after intensive family consultation, we have decided that, in the interest of fairness, since we revealed Norm’s identity, it is time to share Turnip’s true identity with the blogosphere as well.

We need to begin by confessing that we’ve purposely cultivated the impression that the turnip is an adorable 14 month old VIP member of the “clean plate club” with a great deal of charm and the power to bend minds at will. Not exactly. Dirty Louie (his real name) is a 41 year old alcoholic with a malingering problem who we suspect drinks away a welfare check every month. He is often pre-verbal and soils himself several times a day. He has been known to drool on pretty girls (well to be honest, he drools on anyone who shows him interest) and can be counted on to rub whatever he is eating all over his body and hair. Yesterday he ate used toilet paper out of the toilet. Gill suspects that Dirty Louie may be a veteran. From what i can see however, he does not appear motivated or mentally or emotionally stable enough to serve in the military. He makes scenes when we are in public and will frequently stare down anyone who has the misfortune of shopping or dining nearby. Norm said he was once a bus driver. Spend about an hour with Dirty Louie and you will see why that probably didnt work out too well.

You will notice he is not wearing pants. He often refuses to wear pants despite a handful of police warnings and the occasional restraining order. He also likes to chew on his socks.

Luckybuzz kind of has a little thing with dirty louie. She always did like the bad boys…


8 Responses to Meet Dirty Louie (you lookin’ at me?)

  1. Anonymous says:

    I heart Dirty Louie. Bigtime.

    Though that whole eating-out-of-the-toilet thing? Um, it would be okay if he didn’t do that around me.

    And this made me laugh out loud. 🙂

    (it’s luckybuzz, of course…still hating signing in and out of blogger)

  2. Jesse says:

    41 year old alcoholics always make me laugh.

    Does that make me a bad person?

  3. Anonymous says:

    So, does this mean you’re not going to refer to him as The Turnip anymore? Cause I love that.

    I’m just saying.

    You almost inspire me to reveal my kids’ true identities, but The Viking would shut me down for real if I did that (he’s a bit of a paranoid Viking). Maybe I should have people try to guess, then he can’t blame me for it.

    And, this is Pippajo. Having the same probs as luckybuzz.

  4. crse says:

    LB-Dirty Louie hearts the hell out of you baby. We are trying to convince him that the toilet paper thing is just not good. We will add “not attractive to women” as a point of persuasion.

    Jesse- Of course this doesnt make you a bad person. You see, Jesse, alcoholics at any age can be a source of hilarity for us all. Especially when they fall into bushes and stuff.

    Pippa- Actually the turnip gets called such in the real world way more than he is called dirty louie (ok louie isnt really his name). Gill started the dirty louie thing a few days ago and it really took off. And I think many of us agree…pants ARE overrated!

  5. Ash says:

    Fat chewable baby thighs! Omigosh, I feel the need to procreate just to have thigh to chew on! Leila wont let me chew heres anymore, she “claims” to be a big girl.

  6. Canada says:

    You know, I think I might’ve dated Dirthy Loiue (or his twin) before I got married. The drooling part sounds familiar 🙂

  7. Anonymous says:

    Pippajo once more.

    You know, I’ve been trying to figure out Louie’s history…since ex-military man and bus driver were both dead ends. He could have been a tow-truck driver, did you research that one? Or an excavator. Septic tank man? I’m just thinking with the toilet rubbish fascination.

  8. crse says:

    Pippa, I do suspect sanitation plays a role in DL’s past. Ash, what compels us to want to chew on our babies? I have two little boys with extremely buttery bellies that beg to be devoured almost constantly! Canada, don’t blame yourself, the boy has charisma.

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