So I was working with Madame Fabu last week and one of the secretaries asked me to do her a favor. I was happy to do it, but as I was completing the task, I finally realized why this secretary makes me so uncomfortable. Prolonged eye contact. She stares at me. (No this isnt a girl-crush. She is fairly attractive and the cute ones never like me) She stares at me like I am a bug. I am always subconsciously checking my nose and face. Do I have a hanger on my nose? Am I drooling? Ketchup? WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!! And the thing that is so troublesome is she is really nice to me. Always has been. She even made this fantastic chili that had no onions or peppers in it for the company chili cook off and we had a lovely talk about it. During the talk, I had a conversation slip and said the word “sex” instead of texas (IT WAS CONTEXTUAL! dont you point that finger at me, random shaming reader!) and while I probably do that a lot(I mumble, talk to fast and am constantly tripping over my words anyway), I. WAS. MORTIFIED. Why? Because she is constantly dissecting me with her eyes.
Perhaps it is not a coincidence that she is related by marriage to another co-worker who also causes me some discomfort. He is a CLOSE TALKER. And he unfortunately has BAD BREATH. Again, dont judge me readers. If we were having meaningful conversations, I could chalk it up to us all getting in touch with our primal natures (you know, a “we are all brothers under the skin and lets not cover it up with perfume or mouthwash” sort of deal) or even feel some sympathy (although we DO have a really good dental plan which takes away at least part of his excuse). However, we are not having meaningful conversations. The man is a black hole of conversation. I used to supervise him. When I turned the case over to another therapist, she had a great deal of trouble differentiating between the patient and this co-worker. When he would stop me by my car after group, my friends would see me stuck with him and call me from their cars faking emergencies just to get me out of the situation.
To make it worse, he has this horrifying verbal tic where he randomly makes this sound during conversations that is almost indescribable. Try to imagine a cow in the midst of an orgasm. Ok? Now imagine hearing that sound every 45 seconds or so during a conversation about the poor quality of schools in his district. Or worse, the boys’ swim team and their performance this year. While this doesnt even begin to explain what that experience actually does to a person, I tell you it isnt a pretty thing. Why do I share this dear readers? Because sometimes i need to step back and realize that other people are not having this kind of work day.
I need to do this because I have to believe that between a four year old who needs to shower after every significant bowel movement, a husband who must act out his unresolved oppositional defiant disorder by aggravating said four year old at every turn and lets not forget our buddy nocturnip, that somewhere people are just having peaceful stimulating or at least somewhat sane interactions every day. I need to believe this.