its beginning to look a lot like panicked random slashes!

Everywhere I go…dododedoo…
Dateline: Dec. 23. 930am. Status: Denial with floating waves of panic.

– I have: 3 weeks worth of case notes to write and organize. By tuesday. Afternoon at least. I keep making proclamations of intent to Norm. He ignores me. Four years old and he already knows his mommy is full of shit.

– The Christmas Tree showed up missing limbs. We had to buy an emergency tree. It is white with colored lights. Apparently there was some worry that I would not approve of the tree. Um 17 bucks for a four foot tree? Im not here to judge people. Merry Freaking Christmas.

– Right now Im trapped in some sort of television hell watching the “Death of Iceman” whose name is apparently Ootzie. Half watching it once would not be bad. But Gill keeps wandering away and coming back causing me to rewind it. I swear weve been watching fucking ootzie for two hours now and we are about half hour in.

-Gill is off his game this morning. Had to prod him to make me coffee and then actually POUR IT MYSELF. (WTF!!!!) Now he is laying on the couch (Lying? I always mix that up) translating written signs from the documentary “see that billboard? that means Italy. Itzele” Oh god here comes the naked archeologist i know it. I HATE HIM.

– The turnip is not having a good weekend. He’s only produced two hard little pebbles of poop since thursday. This is affecting his mood. He has also learned to open door handles. But this new skill is not consistent which means that we hear his little calls (ahhhbooo…ahDAH ahDAH!) from remote parts of the house indicating that he’s gone into a room, shut the door and is unable to open it again.

-Gill thinks Ootzie is Jesus. Now he is channeling Talledega Nights. I love that movie.

– Norm is hysterically sobbing. TURNIP JUST RUINED SESAME STREET! Doesnt turnip realize there is no christmas in jail? Oh my god, Norm is now sucked into this show.

– The turnip just got down off my lap after a belly tickling session of “STOP RUINING CHRISTMAS” interspersed with “SANTA HATES BABIES”. I cherish this special time where I can speak freely to my baby and as long as I use a fun tone he just giggles.

– Speaking of which, we have no pictures of my kids with santa yet.

– And we have a houseful of people coming tomorrow.

-And more presents to buy.

-But Im going out tonight anyway. Because its the ugly season. Im obligated.

– The show is paused YET AGAIN.

im going people. ill be back before christmas. unless i end up in jail.

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10 Responses to its beginning to look a lot like panicked random slashes!

  1. luckybuzz says:

    See, just when I think I really can’t love you more, you give me “santa hates babies.”

    My love for you and the Turnip (and Norm and Gill, OF COURSE!) is absolutely boundless. 🙂

  2. Canada says:

    Go back to yout F list, and remember frozen vodka drinks. They WILL help you through this stressful time. And hell, if you end up in jail, let me know and I’ll ask for a transefer – I might be there, too, if I lose it and kill any of my in-laws!

    And – ooooh, emergency trees? You shoulda called me, I have a spare (but just think, NEXT year you can have two!!!)

  3. Jesse says:

    I was supposed to be in colorado 2 days ago. I am not.

    I am sitting in my apartment. Staring at a plastic cap I filled with super sour candy spray, contemplating if I should just go ahead and get shitty drunk.

    Or if I should clean my room instead. Decisions are hard.

  4. nancycle says:

    WTF?

    No pouring of the coffee?

    Isn’t that covered in the Statutory of Human Rights or Rights as a husband or wife?

    Yada-yada-yada…Each wife is entitled to a daily coffee poured by said matrimonial spouse…Yada-yada-yada…

    Isn’t it in the wedding vows or something?

    Thou shall pour me coffee….

    SCREW IT! I’m never getting married.

    BAD MAN GILL SMOKE! BAAAD MAN.

    Merry F&^kin Christmas.

    I’m in a bad mood now.

  5. gretty says:

    Good God Gill! Even I don’t make her pour her own coffee!

  6. Santa Claus says:

    Merry Christmas!

  7. winterskibunny says:

    I dealt with a “pre lit fake tree just open and away” failure this year by simply throwing the little fer out. I just bought it last year too. This is the first Christmas without anything.

    I really hate the trees (but like the sparkly lights and ornaments), I am trying to think of some other way to creatively show off the ornament collection next year.

    Ideas are appreciated.

  8. luckybuzz says:

    Merry Christmas sweetness! I’m sorry I missed your drunk dial last night, but I was happy to see the missed-call (which I KNEW was a drunk dial!) from you.

    Hope you’re having a fabulous day!

  9. Lisa says:

    You always make me laugh! Hope it all turns out nicely for the baby ootzie, er, I meant Jesus! heh

  10. RockDog says:

    Hey CRSE! Hope you had a Merry one!

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