TT 25


Ah folks. We all know I love my job. Honest I do…but this week’s list answers the question what will i do when it all falls apart….

1. Professional Drinking Buddy. I never make you feel bad about drinking alone, I listen and am willing to philosophize about everything from your sexual history and why it bothers you that your sister thinks you are misogynistic to your mother’s recipe for long life. I also will stalk and leer with you on demand. Warning: you must sign waiver that I cannot be held responsible for anything happens ranging from 4am trips to tattoo parlors to talking you into clown college.
2. Muse: I figured this out. If I had sixty clients, charged twenty bucks a week and promised one five minute phonecall a day, I could really make a nice little chunk of change. I could call you and say things like “I can’t tie my shoes because they don’t have laces.” Or “The word “juniper” emanates sensuality” and let you run with it. Or “don’t say “going to Mars” say “going to Uranus” . Its way funnier across the board.”
3. Verbally sadistic dominatrix: All my cuss talents finally would have an outlet.
4. Professional recliner: The year I was pregnant with Norm, the local furniture store had a lazy-boy reclinathon. Gentle readers? I felt a stirring inside. A calling if you will….I knew with the proper training I could win that baby hands down. I never saw the contest again, but someday friends…
5. Cult leader: (Speaking of stirrings and callings) Id be an EXCELLENT charismatic leader. (It’s the crazyhair. Crazyhair people always make good charismatic leaders. Skycat? Am I right here?) Id never make anyone drink bad kool-aid and people would only give me money because they WANTED to not because they had to.
6. Spin Doctor: I already feel like I do this for a living. We do not say. Oh my god you are too fucked up for us. We only work with people who want to be helped.. Instead we say, my clinical observations are indicating that we’ve come to the end of the therapeutic road. Perhaps more intensive services are called for (like prison or the nut house)
7. Troubleshooter: Again, I already do this. If there is a system, my supervisors already stick me into it as a test monkey to see if it can be accidentally dissembled or destroyed in any way. Things that survive the “Crse Factor” generally tend to be workable and should be introduced wide scale. Im also good at finding holes in logic (by falling headlong into them leaving a trail of destruction in my wake)
8. Professional writer of break-up letters: I can go kind. I can go snide. I can go postal. Im limited only by your moral code.
9. TV or movie critic: I will go beyond the norm. I will find and expose annoying speech patterns of the actors, illogical plot holes, and character quirks that will make you want to smash your head against the wall every time you think about it.
10. Asshole school headmistress: This is a dream Gill and I have. To change the justice and social system to create the consequence of “asshole school” (run by us of course) We would walk around with tasers all day long and present different scenarios to the students. Every asshole response would get a sad shake of the head….and a taser shock of course.
11. Date coach: Be prepared for honesty. There are single people in my life right now who Id love to coach. In friendships however, its more of a struggle to find a loving way to say “You cant get a date because you are rude in conversations, interrupt people constantly, and talk about yourself incessantly. People you think you’ve impressed? Find you boorish.” At the same time, it would be so helpful for a single person to hear this I think.
12. Onion Detector: Ok this is a long shot I know but im running out of ideas and I have an UNCANNY ability to detect the onions. It does ruin meals out on a frequent basis as I often end up with food that appeared to be onion free to the server. Someone like me could save restaurants a lot of grief as they cater to the onion hating masses.
13. Professional Dorkblogger: I love the site. My dream right now is to one day make a living creating and maintaining this space with Jennfactor. We would be the patron saints of dorkdom. Ahhh it’s a dream.

Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore

Did You Ever Get The Feeling?
The Knut Hut
Canada
Snarkypants
Ash In Wonderland
Dorkbloggers

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14 Responses to TT 25

  1. Trixie says:

    OMG!! I want those jobs. All of them. And can I please sign up all my friends kids for the asshole school? Society will thank you.

    If I can’t find a career in any of those fields, I would like to join your cult. You had me a “crazyhair”.

  2. G-Love says:

    Okay. So when are “asshole school” sign ups? (Out of the way! I’m first!)

  3. Factor 10 says:

    I want a taser! I want a taser! (No, not to BE tasered, I want the Gun.) I would prefer not to be tied down to a school, though. I would like to be like David Carradine in Kung Fu, and wander the roads, sharing my electrical wisdom with those in need…

    Um, I think you already ARE a cult leader, my dear. No kool-aid, just buttons.

  4. Janie Hickok Siess, Esq. says:

    Spinning . . . in my profession, it is second only to tap dancing. I could write books and books . . . and more books. I like asshole school, too. I’ve got some students for you. You might have to hire a few more instructors . . . those classrooms are gonna be full — of egos and assholes.

  5. Canada says:

    Oh yes, you will land on your feet should the real job ever become too tedious to deal with. You can be my professional drinking buddy anytime!! And I have a few future students at Asshole school for you (no, not my kids, just a list of people who truly fit the bill!)

  6. RockDog says:

    I like the idea of Onion Detector…there’s something about it that just screams that it needs to be done…good luck with that.

  7. Pippajo says:

    A few things:

    There is actually a place for option #9. Televisionwithoutpity.com posts recaps of tv shows in the most deliciously snarky manner possible. The message boards are hilarious too.

    Second, if you’re going to be a founding father of Asshole Rehabilitation Services and Education (or A.R.S.E. as I like to think of it), you may utilize my Asshat Citations if you like. We may have to draw up some paperwork, but I don’t think that would take very long. I would be honored to have them used for such a noble purpose.

    One more thing, I think I just might be an amateur dorkblogger. What skills do I need to go pro?

  8. Ash says:

    This is why I love you.
    VERY VERY MUCH.

  9. luckybuzz says:

    Oh my god, these are PERFECT jobs for you! Come to my town, and I will TOTALLY pay you to be my drinking buddy again (especially if you bring tasers).

  10. skycat says:

    I wish all the fools out there who think they don’t have choices would stop by your blog. Stuck in a crappy job, check the list. Make your own. You are stupendous. And I don’t know why that word has stupid in it, but it does. You don’t.

  11. winterskibunny says:

    Drinking buddy is really my forte. So you have some competition LOL.

  12. Crawlspace says:

    Dude, I love onions. I eat onions every chance I get. But my food had too many onions in it yesterday. I did not finish them all. But I still love onions.

    MOLTON!!!!!!

  13. The Mistress of the Dark says:

    I want to be a professional drinking buddy too!

  14. Jill says:

    I’ll take the drinking buddy job!!! I feel like drinking, but cannot get myself drinking with no reason or alone!! And I’ll go out clubbing!!

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