1. Professional Drinking Buddy. I never make you feel bad about drinking alone, I listen and am willing to philosophize about everything from your sexual history and why it bothers you that your sister thinks you are misogynistic to your mother’s recipe for long life. I also will stalk and leer with you on demand. Warning: you must sign waiver that I cannot be held responsible for anything happens ranging from 4am trips to tattoo parlors to talking you into clown college.
2. Muse: I figured this out. If I had sixty clients, charged twenty bucks a week and promised one five minute phonecall a day, I could really make a nice little chunk of change. I could call you and say things like “I can’t tie my shoes because they don’t have laces.” Or “The word “juniper” emanates sensuality” and let you run with it. Or “don’t say “going to Mars” say “going to Uranus” . Its way funnier across the board.”
3. Verbally sadistic dominatrix: All my cuss talents finally would have an outlet.
4. Professional recliner: The year I was pregnant with Norm, the local furniture store had a lazy-boy reclinathon. Gentle readers? I felt a stirring inside. A calling if you will….I knew with the proper training I could win that baby hands down. I never saw the contest again, but someday friends…
5. Cult leader: (Speaking of stirrings and callings) Id be an EXCELLENT charismatic leader. (It’s the crazyhair. Crazyhair people always make good charismatic leaders. Skycat? Am I right here?) Id never make anyone drink bad kool-aid and people would only give me money because they WANTED to not because they had to.
6. Spin Doctor: I already feel like I do this for a living. We do not say. Oh my god you are too fucked up for us. We only work with people who want to be helped.. Instead we say, my clinical observations are indicating that we’ve come to the end of the therapeutic road. Perhaps more intensive services are called for (like prison or the nut house)
7. Troubleshooter: Again, I already do this. If there is a system, my supervisors already stick me into it as a test monkey to see if it can be accidentally dissembled or destroyed in any way. Things that survive the “Crse Factor” generally tend to be workable and should be introduced wide scale. Im also good at finding holes in logic (by falling headlong into them leaving a trail of destruction in my wake)
8. Professional writer of break-up letters: I can go kind. I can go snide. I can go postal. Im limited only by your moral code.
9. TV or movie critic: I will go beyond the norm. I will find and expose annoying speech patterns of the actors, illogical plot holes, and character quirks that will make you want to smash your head against the wall every time you think about it.
10. Asshole school headmistress: This is a dream Gill and I have. To change the justice and social system to create the consequence of “asshole school” (run by us of course) We would walk around with tasers all day long and present different scenarios to the students. Every asshole response would get a sad shake of the head….and a taser shock of course.
11. Date coach: Be prepared for honesty. There are single people in my life right now who Id love to coach. In friendships however, its more of a struggle to find a loving way to say “You cant get a date because you are rude in conversations, interrupt people constantly, and talk about yourself incessantly. People you think you’ve impressed? Find you boorish.” At the same time, it would be so helpful for a single person to hear this I think.
12. Onion Detector: Ok this is a long shot I know but im running out of ideas and I have an UNCANNY ability to detect the onions. It does ruin meals out on a frequent basis as I often end up with food that appeared to be onion free to the server. Someone like me could save restaurants a lot of grief as they cater to the onion hating masses.
13. Professional Dorkblogger: I love the site. My dream right now is to one day make a living creating and maintaining this space with Jennfactor. We would be the patron saints of dorkdom. Ahhh it’s a dream.
Blogs I like that do TT’s because I don’t have the wherewithal to link anymore
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