Im sorry. I realize I just started laying the groundwork for the many tales of fifth grade and the perfect storm. However, I am far too crabby to continue right now and need to bitch and moan before….well…bad things happen. (I cry? I share a beer with the children? I dont know…just bad) So here are some things pissing me off/annoying me/demoralizing me (not in particular order) tonight.
– Ive truly lost the will to fight my two year old. Between his
relentless struggle for power unpleasant stubborn and willfull streak completely age appropriate quest for independence Every. Single. Minute. Of. The. Day. and his sweet little “peese” (how can we not reward manners? except when “peese” is “let me push brother off the step stool onto the porcelain sink” or “let me take this bungee cord and hook one end to the door knob and the other to the dog”) So has Norm. We are defeatedly watching sesame street for the third straight hour. The saddest part? Id stand up for Norm but he just doesnt want to hear his brother scream anymore.
– Ok Baby BEAWWWWW Its a FUCKING R ok? See a goddam speech therapist! If you are wondering why grandmama bear treats you like a baby? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BY SOME OTHER NAME THEN BABY BEAR you idiotic fuckwipe (sorry this is a long standing grudge)
– Zoe: you whiny little brat. For the record? It IS your fault that elmo’s blanket ripped. It was NOT AN ACCIDENT. An accident would have been if you had snagged it on a zipper WHILE YOU WERE HANDING IT BACK TO HIM WHEN HE ASKED YOU TO. But since you PULLED ON IT AFTER HE TOLD YOU TO GIVE IT BACK? THAT IS NOT A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Thats you being a total spoiled little entitled asshole. I sometimes fantasize about being in Elmo In Grouchland just so you stop snowing everyone with your “poor little me, i didnt mean to” act and have to step up and own the shit storm you created with your selfish inconsiderate behavior.
– Sometimes, it is very demoralizing to find out that my supervisees are going to get slammed in a school meeting two hours before it happens. It is even more demoralizing to crash the meeting and have all the teachers act like I should have been more prepared. To a meeting that I wasnt…even…invited…to.
– It is also demoralizing to have the guidance counselor of said school who complained to everyone all day that he had to redistribute a memo because you needed to reschedule a meeting later this week (and here is a tip for all those in administration. Dont bitch to people who have professed to like me in the past. They will tell me just for the opportunity for us both to make fun of you) suddenly decide he is your best friend when you crash the meeting because he knows he is busted for not inviting you.
It seems most important to preface this next part with what ive realized about my breasts recently. In the past, Ive struggled with “the girls” as they are particularly big. My own confidence or lack thereof about my sexuality would end up being tied into the girls and i was extremely self conscious about how they were perceived by the world. However, a few years ago, I realized that it was simply man’s fascination about boobs themselves that elicit the compulsion to stare. I found a strange sense of comfort with the knowledge that really? They could be attached to anybody male or female and they would still have the same effect. The same fellow who never looked me in the eye since we met in the early nineties would most likely be just as ogly towards anybody, david letterman, bob newhart, santa claus etc. had any of these fellows been sporting kazongas my size. Thus, introducing the girls to my political world seemed to be a smart and logical solution to boob management in my professional life. Please bear this in mind as you read on
– The most demoralizing part would be knowing that I deliberately chose to let him look down my shirt when he was wavering on filling out a form that I needed because I knew it would urge him to “make the right decision”. In case you are wondering? Engaging in such a maneuver will leave one with a combination of the feeling of wanting to puke because you let it happen and being incredibly sad and defeated that it actually worked.
-Strangely, this did not make it more uplifting when Dr. Fuckly (a principal who apparently possesses kryptonite to my powers of cleavage)was not about to let a cheap look interfere with an opportunity to interrupt a discussion I was having with the fifth grade teachers about how well the perfect storm is doing to let me know in an unmistakably blaming tone of voice that her occupational therapist was left “out of the loop” in terms of her part of treatment. Apparently, the fact that the OT is affiliated with the school and not our agency along with the fact that by my very role definition I don’t have any control over how that therapy is provided to my or any client is irrelevant. It is also apparently irrelevant that the OT only knew that she was “out of the loop” and not simply working around a documentation deficit from one of her own peers (which she was but I digress) is because I TOLD the OT this morning. Still, this is my fault. If the above did not make sense? Short answer. Dr. Fuckly publicly shames me for something that has about as much to do with me as the weather. In fact, shaming me for the weather would have made more sense.
-This leads me to a string of “should haves” lasting several hours. I should have unsmilingly met his gaze and told him that Im assuming this means he is handling the issue and thanking him (in as much as a condescendingly puzzled tone as I could muster) for sharing that information with me. I should have (again with puzzled condescension) apologized for missing the connection between her behavioral progress and this other therapy. I should have said “excuse you for talking. Please wait your turn”. As it stands? If he ever makes me cry? I think I will punch him. For real.
– Turnip? Sweetie? We want to let you watch “melmo” but we dont understand why everytime he comes on tv you cry and say his name sadly. Peeze what baby? PEEZE WHAT??? WHAT CAN WE DO????
-Norm we arent going to miss the bus tomorrow for the third day in a row are we? Are we buddy? I dont mind so much but you get so disappointed it breaks my heart.
ok friends, that was kind of cathartic! Im going to bed early and tomorrow will be better.