Must. Blog. Today.

The day was long. I am tired. I drank WAYYYY too much caffeine today. BUT NO aspartame. Recycling can get very cluttery when it stays at your house. You know when you’ve been married a long time and you totally totally adore the person and you still think about beating them? Maybe giving them nose bleeds? I mean you don’t do it but you think about it? And not for huge character flaws but for little things. Like making the children miserable. Or steadfastly refusing to admit that either a) there is a problem with the laundry or b) the laundry is deliberately being tampered with to ensure that you are constantly sniffing all your clothes only to find out ten minutes after you leave the house that the one ARM you missed has “the smell”. (you know the smell friends. The “no I didn’t leave the laundry sit in the washer for three days, you are imagining things” smell.) Or claiming to lack the social skills to order a pizza or deal with the car repair guy but will tell you in detail how you failed to give the proper information. Or will pick out WINTERGREEN gum went sent by you and another couple through the express line to purchase some gum. (and shout out to Madame Fabu because yes indeed it does taste like pepto bismo) Or FORGETS to take the baby to day-care when you are sick and can barely get out of bed. I am happy in my marriage, friends. I really am. I just think I would feel better if I smacked Gill more frequently. Or even just flicked his bald head. It seems like lately I can hardly be next to him without fighting the overpowering desire to flick his bald head when he pisses me off. It just seems like it would be so…rewarding. I do look forward to growing old with him.

Ok I really hope I never become one of those ladies with a man haircut dyed orange. What makes a person think that haircut is a good idea? Those who know me in real time are probably shaking their heads right now at what might appear to significant self delusion in terms of my own hair. But here is the thing friends. I DO NOT SEEK THIS HAIR OUT. IT JUST HAPPENS. I was watching a woman get into her car today with this hair. She was middle aged and not particularly attractive (orange man-hair notwithstanding). She was with her husband. I could not stop thinking about her hair folks. What happened? Did she give up? Did her husband finally notice a really bad hair cut years ago because it was manly and orange and didn’t know what to say so he told her it looked nice which caused her to keep the cut to “impress” him? I can totally get behind the whole “I just don’t care about my appearance” idea. It’s the seeking the ugly cut I just don’t understand. Ok buddies. Just reached 500. Did not think Id make it but damn it, if I cant flick his bald head, I certainly cannot give Gill the satisfaction of missing my word count! Im off to drown my sorrows in a glass of wine and some honey mustard Pringles. Until tomorrow friends….


8 Responses to Must. Blog. Today.

  1. The Mistress of the Dark says:

    Dare I ask what’s wrong with aspartame now? Mind you I’m a fan of good ole sugar, but they don’t make most diet sodas with splenda yet.

    Ah well. I’m going to die anyway one day, might as well be happy going.

  2. Canada says:

    You’ve hit the 10 year marriage mark, haven’t you? SOOOO glad I was finished my coffe when I read this post, I was laughing in a huge way at your first paragraph.

    And one day I will have to seek out and try these honey mustard Pringles you speak so highly about. . .

  3. Jay says:

    Your not supposed to leave the wet clothes in the washer for three days before throwing them in the dryer? Not even if you spray them with Fabreeze?? LOL 😉

  4. Pippajo says:

    OMG that orange hair mystifies me, too! Are they stuck in some kind of fashion rut from their youth? Wait, WHEN was orange man-hair ever fashionable? I just saw a woman today with the orange hair and a horrible little mouse’s nest of white roots at the crown! My great-aunt (with whom I was waiting at the bank and whom has never had orange hair a day in her life despite her 70-something years) pointed it out to me.

    Yet another reason I don’t want to get old.

  5. Lisa says:

    hahahahahah Yes, there are (many) days I wish to smack Duty over what towel I am using that is apparently wrong. He has some affliction wherein if I use a towel other than the much vaunted “DISHTOWEL” to wipe the counter or anything, I must be lectured to and admonished. I. am. 47. I can use whateverthefuck towel I want to! (Those are the days he deserves to get smacked in the head. Of course, he probably feels the same about me, right?

    Keep on blogging, sweetie!

  6. Maggie says:

    crse: Dude, I *just saw* the orange hair man cut today! And it probably wouldn’t have even registered with me (except to briefly note how ugly it is), but your post made me realize that this is a TYPE! That there is a whole group of women who have the orange man hair!

    You, my dear, are an awesome anthropologist.

  7. Ash says:

    I always wonder about the old ladys withe football head hairstyle

  8. Lucy says:

    I have some friends with the orange man-cut, and it is pretty hideous. It’s one of those things–like the teddy bear dressed as santa themed sweatshirt–that my loved ones may smack me for.

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