My baby, My Terrorist Captor or Anatomy of an Ear Infection

• peed on the vanity in my bathroom
• Refused to get dressed, thus forcing me to do the “pin the cat on the hot rock” dance
• Tantrummed all the way to drop Norm off at school
• Tantrummed all the way to sitter
• Had to be pried from arms at sitter
• Was happy for a total of 37 seconds after leaving sitters.
• Stripped off all clothes and ran away giggling maniacally upon return to house
• Threw a plate of chips on the floor in abject disgust
• Played quietly for about five minutes which should have been a big red alarm siren
• Speaking of big and red, came running out of my bedroom giggling as soon as suspicion was smelled.
• Greeted me waving hands covered in bright red paint, “look look”. Look at the bright red paint covering my hands and half my body.
• Ran back into the bedroom before being snatched and thrown into the tub
• Cheerfully offered to “help” as I scrubbed the bath of already dried red paint in a futile attempt to remove trail from rug.
• Yelled “top it” when I collapsed on the floor and begged nobody in particular to just put me inpatient.
• Threw another bowl of chips on the floor in a rage.
• Would not leave my side for the rest of the evening

• Fell asleep at 10pm. Woke up at 1am
• Engaged in an hour long demand ridden play fest of peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake
• Watched Melmo til 4am. Screaming MOM every time my eyes closed
• Finally asked for dad.

I will save my detailed metaphorical description entitled “my baby, my hairshirt” until Ive polished it more.

Please insert “peed on my leg after refusing to put on diaper” right after “threw second of bowl of chips on floor”


16 Responses to My baby, My Terrorist Captor or Anatomy of an Ear Infection

  1. The Mistress of the Dark says:

    Your child wanted to be sacrificed to Kahili? I’m hoping you’ve seen the Beatles movie Help! so you understand. If not…I’ll explain later.

    You’re reaffirming my desire never to have children really well. My mom will love you.

  2. Crawlspace says:

    I hope for your sake, this day was especially bad… Yikes..

  3. Jenny Ryan says:

    You deserve a medal.

  4. Bunny says:

    The Turnip and my Girl are meant to be together. Stripping, throwing things, “wook Mommy!” yelled enthusiastically before revealing “OMG how did this happen?” mess — yep, they are two of a kind. Should I start looking for a job in Ohio right now?

  5. Lucy says:

    The crazy second child. If you have third, you’ll turn him into you…or me. Just a thought.

  6. Jay says:

    Sounds like some of the things I do everyday myself. 😉

    Don’t they make some kind of kiddie valium or something?

    I’m NEVER having kids!

  7. RockDog says:

    Would you like a bottle…or a case…of vodka for Christmas???

    “• Stripped off all clothes and ran away giggling maniacally upon return to house”

    I do this every day! Wooooooo!

  8. luckybuzz says:

    Holy crap. This post should come with a warning: “Pregnant women: do not read!”

    Hope the little guy’s ear infection is getting better!

  9. Canada says:

    I was waiting for LB’s reaction before posting!!!!! MWahahahaha!

    Good luck crse. And if the Turnip isn’t getting valium, you should be entitled to some! 🙂

  10. Lisa says:

    Yes, what Jenny said. Medal material for sure! 🙂

    (My cats generally don’t behave this way. Maybe you should trade in what you have for them! hehe)

  11. Pippajo says:

    Oh Sweetums, woe inDEED! I remember those days well, VERY well. Those were the days I threw the child at The Viking the minute he walked in the door and locked myself in the bathroom to cry for 15 minutes.

    This, too, shall pass. It will get better.

  12. Stinkbait Boucher says:

    I feel a powerful urge to run out and breed now.

  13. gretty says:

    I think my ovaries just dried up.

  14. ZigZagMan says:

    sounds like camp!!!! 🙂

    Did I ever tell you the story of my boy peeing..repeatedly in the cats litter box and denying it untill I busted him?? 🙂

  15. Maggie says:

    I’ve tagged you for a meme, yo. Because I know you’re not busy enough 🙂

    BTW, this post is the Best. Birth Control. Ever.

  16. Bunny says:

    To everyone who suggested valium for Turnip:

    Please be aware that many children react the opposite to your expectation with lots of drugs. Some kids go manic on valium. Not all or even most. But I suspect Turnip just might . . .

    I was on a flight once with a kid whose parents slipped him a quarter of Mommy’s dose of diazepam. Kid bounced off the planes walls (and seats and passengers . . .) for three hours.

    No valium. 🙂

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