Every Turkey Dies But Not Every Turkey Truly Lives

I did not sleep at all last night. At all. It is 603am. I waited until 6am to get out of bed. Because of the “death hour”. Last post i discussed some of the non-trivial reasons Ive been away, so let’s dedicate this post to something more familiar. Things that make a crse crazy in the night. Or another installment of “what goes on in the mind of a slightly off-balance insomniac in the dead of winter”

– Ill start with “the death hour”. SCAREDY CAT WARNING: IF YOU DON’T LIKE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE NEXT SLASH. You all know I love my boss Lonnie Manko. I am not at liberty to discuss why the show “paranormal state” drew her attention (well I probably am but this am I feel mysterious) but she shared it with us one day at work a few weeks ago. Those who know me well would not for a minute, nay- for even a mili-second think that I would watch this show. (Did I ever post about the “blair crse project?” remind me friends…) Still she innocently shared a piece of alarming information with me. Apparently the hour between three am and four am is the darkest time of the night for all things spooky. I refuse to elaborate more than that. Why? because I cannot leave my room/pee in my bathroom/look at the clock/emerge from a bastardized attempt at sight and sound-proofing through blankets during this hour. As well you can imagine, this is pure insomniacal hell. I am pretty sure Lonnie M. is not happy to know this either although she is somewhat braver than me.

-“what would you do if your son was at home cryin’ all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money” I HAVE to remember to not start singing that around Norm. Did we handle the Jamie Lynn Spears thing correctly? Man Im so glad we got the satellite radio. It’s so awesome. I need to clean my car.

-The medical cycle. This goes something like “I need to find a dentist. I wonder if I have that gum disease that eats bones away and now I won’t be able to get dentures. I really don’t know how I feel about my new dr. I should switch before it goes any further between us. But Moe really likes her. And she did that blood test in her office. Should I get the boys tested for lead? I hate to put them through that. I still owe co-pays on Turnip’s birthing bills.”

-Needless to say, this leads to The financial cycle. “I need to call the student loan people. What will I tell them. I really don’t feel obligated to pay the damn mafioso dentist. Will we ever get our finances straightened out? I really need to invest in another toothbrush. Maybe I will buy the mean green machine tomorrow. We need a larger george foreman grill. We are better than this.”

– I wonder if Im bi-polar. Would my therapist tell me if I was? I think Im going to ask her.

– Could I redecorate the house in a completely low impact way? Do they sell “healthy” paint at lowe’s?

– I think I need to cut my losses on the lost adderall prescription. I go for a med-check next Tuesday. I am going to try to eke by on day meds, old straterra and the 60 mgs I have left. (Im saving those for this thursday. We have a special meeting.)

-Man my hands were cold today. I really want the carpal tunnel surgery but what will I do with myself if I cant play video games or write?

– I wonder why the turnip never says he loves us. Did we do something to make him so emotionally unavailable or did something happen in his past life?

– I am worried Norm is getting a kind of goth streak. He is really into the mourning aspects of death (BTW we no longer have a gerbil)

– WillyWonka WillyWonka. Man I wish Norm liked that movie.

– How the hell could I miss Rambo’s birthday? I talked about it for five solid days? Why must I suck?

– (Im leaving the mind ramble format to share here for a minute folks, I didn’t know how to put this in mind ramble form)Here is the thing about my hair cut. I was feeling incredibly insecure about it but lately Im feeling better about it. Why? Well you would think it was because of the millions of people that i like and trust telling me they really like it and that it looks nice. But no. It’s not because of that. I’m very very ashamed to admit this but it’s because an older single bloated creepy guy who Im fairly certain was arrested (although not convicted) on sex charges in the late 90s who happens to work with us (Lonnie DID NOT hire him. I feel compelled to tell people this) told me it was “cute”. Now why is this significant? I will tell you why. Because he is a lewd creepy guy, if he found it to be a non-descript soccer mom cut he would have called it “nice”. Calling it cute made it sound well…fashionable. And I feel ashamed of myself friends. Especially in regards to my real-time friends who have also called it “cute” and “nice” and (in a little grateful shout-out to Spike) “a lot better”. It’s not that I didn’t believe you all but there was something to having the creepy guy accept my hair that validated me in a way that nothing else did. I don’t know what that says about me but it’s probably not good. Well…Im pretty sure it’s not good at all.

ok I think Im going to email rambo a birthday wish and do some work now. It’s kind of good to be back.

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10 Responses to Every Turkey Dies But Not Every Turkey Truly Lives

  1. Lucy says:

    He sista–
    Welcome back. Thanks for the death hour! Two things: yes, Lowe’s or the Depot have healthy low fumes paint, and yes, of course I know this. And like Turnip, Gwennie didn’t start saying “I love you” until she was at least three (now she says it all the time). I think it’s the second child “this whole damned house revolves around me” way of thinking. I love the brain dump of this post. It was fun.

  2. Lisa says:

    Oh you are back! YOU ARE BACK! (baybeee!)

    YEY! I am way too happy about it.

    YEY!! (Did I say that already?)

  3. Mrs.ZigZagMan says:

    Hugs honey, I really think its “the darkest hour” because after 4 am you start getting the first ambient light from the sun coming up, I dont believe it has anything to do with the paranormal.

  4. Pippajo says:

    First of all, HI! Second, I already knew about the death hour and dealt with that years ago but I do feel your pain. Third, don’t spend too much time worrying about Norm’s fixation on death. Red Headed Snippet went through the same thing at around the same age, trying to process the concept of death. Only in her case it was the same time that her brother died so her method of processing was a little more intense and involved a lot of lying very still on the ground in the back yard with her hands crossed over her chest and having her friends “bury” her in leaves. Yeah, she freaked out a lot of people and I had to tell her to only do that at our house. So, I think Norm is probably fine.

  5. ZigZagMan says:

    Just remember buddy….it’s always 4am somewhere….:)

  6. gretty says:

    Angel is obsessed with death at the moment too. Her fish died the day after xmas and she still tells me about it every time I talk to her. Don’t go away for that long again!

  7. Stinkbait Boucher says:

    I think I’ll leave the death hour where it sits – I have my own, troubling relationship with the 3:00 am hour.

    With that said – and with no proper segue – I’ll reiterate that you are without a doubt my favourite blogger. It’s good to get this peek in to your world and to see that you’re still hanging in there.

    No pressure though! Take care of business. All of this nonsense will still be here when you get around to it.

  8. The Mistress of the Dark says:

    Not to worry about the 4 a.m. hour the only thing up at that hour is my father and that’s cos he’s a nut that goes to bed to damn early. Even the paranormal have to get some rest!

  9. sega says:

    i am oddly comforted by your chaos & seeking medication for thursday as well as i too feel highly unstable… i am trying to send good vibes towards the people i like… by the way, that includes you since i’m saying it to you… looking forward to your story…

  10. crse says:

    Lucy- How about tonight he just started “I lugjyo mommy, i lovgjo goje, i logjo max, i lugjyo daddy” It melted me!

    Lisa- You are too good to me sweetie! I don’t want to let you down!

    Mrs. Z- Hugs back and thank you. When I am clutched under my covers trying to bathe myself in a white light of protection, I am going to refer to this in my head. I think it will be comforting.

    Pippa- HI SUNSHINE! Ive missed you! That had to totally suck with the snippet going through that when she did. It really put the whole thing in perspective for me. Hugs to you sweetie.

    Zig- Im going to remind myself that too. “it’s already four in nova scotia…” maybe that will help…

    Gretty- awww…yer sweet. id feel guiltier about you if i didn’t get to see you more than i blog. Is she almost 3??? Its freaky I tell ya…

    SB- Sir, that is the best compliment ive gotten in a long long time. I blog at your pleasure.

    MOTD- my dad used to be up that early and we’d have talks about my fears. Now he sleeps on the other side of town and would kick my ass if I called him before 9am.

    sega- thank you so much sunshine. you werent there so did you get the pep talk about how it’s not a bad thing and that we invited him so not to get panicked? (if so and it didn’t really stick? welcome sister.) I am going to bring bagels i think. I thought it might make it all less scary for all of us. Because really, when you bite into a bagel you end up with a big smiling piece of gluten. Which I find strangely comforting. Ill bathe you in my light of comfort on THursday sweetie.

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