“Hi my name is Ted and I will be running the test today”. I felt slightly uneasy as I followed Ted down the hallway to the back room. He gave me the requisite half-gown and told me everything on top had to go and left. I turned around to undress and immediately flashed back to a conversation I had with my dad last week about camera phones. Dad does not have a camera phone because he doesn’t see what he’d ever use it for. I explained that with the kids, it’s nice to catch them doing cute things when i don’t have a camera. Today I realized exactly why I have a camera phone. And I flogged myself mentally for leaving it in the car. Apparently, Ted hangs his coat up in the room too. So the hook where Im to leave my clothes actually holds Ted’s beat up and tattered leather jacket and a baseball cap that shows a picture of a skull and cross bones with the phrase “surrender the booty” embroidered on the back. Very trust inspiring.
Ted comes back in and we go through our drill. Then he lubes up the old probey thing and tells me to lean back against him and face the wall. He tells me to let him know if I become uncomfortable. Uncomfortable Ted? Really? I can’t imagine how being propped on my side and having what is little more than a giant fake penis dug into the flesh around my boob would be uncomfortable to me Ted. On the contrary, I feel compelled to “surrender the booty”. At first Ted tries to make conversation. He asks about the kids. Well he asks how many I have. I tell him two little boys. An awkward pause. Mostly to make conversation, I ask him if there was any chance I would have to be rushed to the hospital today. He chuckles and says “well it happens.”. Another pause. TED! WTF TED? CAN YOU FUCKING ELABORATE PLEASE? (oh who am i kidding, my reader base knows id be up for a nice little trip to the hospital) I wait for a bit then ask him how that would play out. “Oh.” he says as if shocked i didn’t get it. “well if you go into full cardiac arrest or something”. I assure him Im pretty sure Im getting checked because of the pleurissy and he chuckles again and ten more minutes go by with very little conversation. I have to confess I was somewhat pleasantly surprised as Ted was as professional as a person could be when working on a woman with ridiculously large breasts that impeded a heart scan he was trying to perform. I was both impressed and struggling with the feeling that i should have been insulted by the fact that Ted made no attempt to put me in a position where I felt compelled to “surrender the booty”. Towards the end of the test, he turned up the sound and i could here a disturbing arrythmia (sp). I remarked upon it and Ted chuckled and said “sounds like an old washing machine, don’t it?” AND ANOTHER PAUSE!!! TED? COME ON MAN! Throw me a freaking bone here! He clues up much quicker this time and says “that’s normal.” Before i knew it, the test was over and Ted and I parted ways. Our encounter was brief, innocuous and forgettable. Still I take a small measure of comfort thinking that somewhere deep inside his heart, Ted found a new respect for me and my choice not to “surrender my booty”. Another time Ted. Another place. …..