Dear Jackass who ruined my meal today

I wanted to compliment you for sucking so badly. It is a rare treat to witness incompetence on such a grand level. For future reference, here are some highlights of your retardation that you can draw from as continue to flaunt your idiocy in the future.

– When I order iced tea and water? Just bring the iced tea. But please don’t stop there as this is a common error and you would not want future patrons to fail to see your special brand of assholery.

– The human looking little creature hanging around my neck and screaming? Well it’s probably either a really attractive monkey or one of them fancy assed robotic web thingies everybody got nowadays. Don’t bother offering me a kids menu or asking if the monkey boy would like a drink or anything.

– Cause everyone at the table anxiety by refusing to write anybody’s orders down and then when you repeat back, repeat the wrong thing. This gift is especially charming when three people order the exact same thing and you repeat back the same wrong thing for everyone. Really? At that point, nobody even remotely expected that you would screw up the order just out of the sheer reinforcement you experienced through repetition. Oh we were so naive.

– When I request a kid’s menu for the monkey boy? Ignore the fact that it might be helpful to bring the actual menu and a few crayons as it might stop monkey boy from stabbing at my head with a fork for his own entertainment. Instead, RECITE the menu to me. JACKASS.

– Surprise and astound the entire table by bringing out three wrong orders. That happen to be what you repeated back and were corrected. JACKASS IT’S EGG SALAD, NOT EGG PLANT.

– Screw up the rest of the orders by forgetting dressings and condiments.

– Make sure the bringing of the meals takes FORTY FIVE MINUTES FOR MOSTLY SANDWICHES so I have to leave before I can eat.

-Mis-charge us so two of us end up picking up the same person’s meal. You cheating motherfucker (this should raise my cuss-o-meter).

These are things you can do to ruin a delightful lunchtime gathering. Now Im going to get serious here. Let me make you very aware of what you did to my cheeseburger you evil motherfucker. (Confidential to LB: If nausea and meat stories are going to be problematic for you sweetie stop now)

Take a minute and think about a rare cheeseburger. Not a rare cheeseburger. A cheeseburger as rare as state laws would permit.

(Ignore the condiments in the photo as there were no condiments) Look at the still warm and seeping flesh. You expected me to eat that…carrion? Do you think me an animal sir? In the name of all that is good and decent in the world man, that flesh needed ketchup and mustard! Aye I cursed you Sir. With every bite of my naked bloody flesh sandwich I cursed you for taking me down this foul and dirty road. I can speak no more. I…am tainted now.

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10 Responses to Dear Jackass who ruined my meal today

  1. luckybuzz says:

    That sounds like a hellish lunch. I *hate* the whole don’t-write-it-down-repeat-it-wrong phenomenon (which seems to be spreading) in food service. I had an utterly annoying brunch recently that was much like this (but without the kid parts).

    Hope you’re recovering all right.

  2. gill_smoke says:

    Now that’s comedy. When it happens to me it’s tragedy, when it happens to you, it’s comedy. Why aren’t you drinking you medicinal wine?

  3. Trelvix says:

    Damn. I pray for stuff like this to happen to me. It’s only then that I’m truly in my element.

  4. Jay says:

    Oh gross … hamburger meat should always be cooked all the way through. I like my steaks medium rare, but hamburgers should be pretty close to well done.

  5. Andrea says:

    Would it be safe to assume you didn’t leave a tip and won’t be returning there any time soon?

  6. ZigZagMan says:

    Bad day buddy?? This reminds me of the day I had to actually explain to the waitress…yes, I really did expect bacon with my “bacon cheeseburger”.

  7. moe says:

    When I waitressed I was usually high and I never fucked up that much!

    Where was this? I don’t want to eat there.

  8. Bunny says:

    Wow. I hate it when they ignore the kids and don’t write it down. Did s/he ever apologize for being a total freakin’ screw-up? The manager should have paid for your meals, because that was seriously bad service.

    Note to self: Do not eat in (town edited by blog author)when driving south.

  9. yokris says:

    I also had a pretty bad serving experience last night, but I was a little drunk and didn’t have my kids, so not so bad as yours. But the server, Jeanine, fucked up my bill…twice. And it took her fooooorreeevvveerrr to find her way back to our table. Still, my food was good, and did I mention I was drunk?

  10. crseum says:

    LB- Im sorry sweetheart. You do realize that you would have been well within your gestational rights to beat the holy hell out of your server.
    Gill- what is it when it happens to us? Dramedy? or wait! Traumedy!
    Trelvix- would that you were there Sir. would that you were there…
    Andrea- would that this was true, Ma’am. Would that this was true…
    Jay- sheesh, you and the state laws…picky picky
    Zig- I didn’t even get to the three hour dr. visit with senor poopy pants. I remember the bacon story!
    Moe- I TOTALLY thought of that. I think of that every time i get bad service in that neck of the woods. (and it was in that neck of the woods. Rhymes with smickory brill)
    Bunny- Im sorry I had to edit my town out for googling purposes. But sadly, I didn’t do anything but I might call on monday.
    Yokris- Were you drunk? Because Im getting the feeling…not sure why…that you were drunk!

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