Now friends, let’s put a few things out on the table before I begin….first, I was crabby going in. Ill spare you the details but everyone out there who has the kind of job where you really can’t take time off without coming back to messes knows exactly what kind of day I had. So maybe I was a little fussy, yes.

Second, I grew up in the 70s. There was no such thing as t-ball in the 70s. We threw hard little sacks of pain and liked it. Oh yes we did. We loved it.

Yet, even after putting all that out there? I still don’t think it’s naivety or bitterness talking when I put forward the assertion that the game is indeed called “t-ball” and not “slow pitch the ball to five year olds who can’t hit the damn ball even when it’s completely at rest and propped in front of them thus wasting copious amounts of time and continuing to piss off parents on the opposing team whose kids use the tee as directed and are already annoyed that you forced us to leave work early by scheduling a T-BALL MAKE UP GAME AT 530 ON TUESDAY and are not at all surprised (but even further annoyed) that even your own team members couldn’t make it on time causing you to STALL THE GAME BY TWENTY MINUTES IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PLAYERS JACKASS-ball”.

So Dear Mr. Mom Boy Bitch Coach?
Get your head out of your self-centered ass. You have no idea how many people you annoyed tonight. Im guessing your own team hates you too. In fact, you are very fortunate I am not pregnant right now . Actually your car is lucky. As it stands I am still fighting the sore temptation to call the folks who are sponsoring your team to tell them I won’t patronize their business anymore because YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE. Please don’t misunderstand me. It wasn’t JUST your arrogant decision to hold up at least two dozen people tonight while frustrating six little children who just wanted to bat at the ball and kick sand in the field while picking their noses.* It was also the fact that when we were first sheduled to play you, you refused to call the game ONCE AGAIN INCONVENIENCING AT LEAST TWO DOZEN PEOPLE until 45 minutes before the first inning despite the fact that our coach called you several times attempting to explain that these ARE FIVE YEAR OLDS whose parents don’t feel that great about the FIVE YEAR OLDS RUNNING AROUND IN COLD SPRING RAIN!!!! You Arrogant prick. Nay Sir, I do not call you prick. You are far too flaccid. You sir, are a weenie. A limp. Defrosted. Weenie.
Love Crse
PS: The stained “DAD” t-shirt you wore today was NOT figure flattering. Usually I would feel embarrassed sympathy towards your complete lack of awareness of how such a shirt made you look like a fat unwashed wife beater, but today Sir? Nothing. But. Contempt.

It took several prompted efforts of Turnip doing his octopus imitation to turn the day around. Thank you little turnip. Ill hold on to that image when you wake me up for your new nightly three hour bitch session (1am-4am, it’s when Turnip let’s go of the hating and sends it out into the universe. Usually by punching and kicking me, screaming and sobbing. It’s…..therapeutic.)

* Yes there were only six. I am fairly certain the rest of your team quit in disgust because they signed up for T-BALL. You can thank my full-time job and rich personal life for the fact that I will not get your roster and start a hate group.


11 Responses to Seriously?

  1. Jay says:

    I hated little league baseball. They stuck me way out in left field and I would get so bored I wouldn’t even realize it was our turn to bat until the other left fielder would tell me.

  2. Andrea says:

    Your one of those soccer moms that get thrown out of the games all the time aren’t you?

  3. gill_smoke says:

    Andrea, No that’s me. That’s why I’m not allowed to watch. CRSE organizes peace marches and gets her cookie orders filled.

  4. I am “banned” from any and all sporting events in a certain Midwestern school district for reasons that escape me now. Enforcement has proven problematic for district officials but this may just be a product of my own stubbornness and persistence.

    Before my banishment I attended the occasional football match – maybe two or three a year. Since being banned I’ve developed an interest in soccer, baseball, lacrosse, high jump, junior varsity golf, curling, shot put, field hockey and synchronized swimming.

    I do this as a public service. After all, what are boundaries if they are never tested?

  5. luckybuzz says:

    “Weenie” made me laugh. 🙂

    But I have to admit that the Turnip Chronicles are utterly terrifying to me. You know I love me some Turnip. But the Turnip Rage Stories? Scary!

  6. Only three words here,


    ok maybe that was four words….regardless, you just perked my day up, and I haven’t even seen you yet!

  7. lucy says:

    I don’t know, is one’s job ever too full or one’s personal life to ever too rich to start a hate group? He might really be a wife-beating weenie (limp, defrosted). I mean, look at the shirt.

  8. jennfactor says:

    They started pitching to Little O last weekend, too! I’ve only just convinced her not to cry when she’s in the outfield and doesn’t get the ball–now they’re gonna make hitting harder? I’m doooomed.

    I refuse to join one of the hardcore leagues in town, and stick to the YMCA where I know at least half the parents are flakier than me–this year the coach is, too.

  9. crseum says:

    Jay- How many left fielders were there?
    Andrea- See Gill’s answer
    Gill- You can fill my cookie order any day baby. (but you still are banned)
    Sir-As I mentioned to you recently. People like me need to know that you do this sort of thing.
    LB- Would it be any comfort to hear that I exaggerate for comic effect? Well maybe not exaggerate but let me clarify. He doesn’t punch and kick together. It’s more like he will punch for a few minutes then calm down. Then kick for a bit and calm down so it’s not as bad as it sounds. Plus, Im pretty sure I can kick his ass if it comes down to a rumble. at least til he’s four and a half. Besides baby, he’d never lay a turnip rage on you. He adores you.
    FM- Aw right back atcha pumpkin!
    Lucy- The more I think about this, the more I agree that a hate group might be in order. Im feeling some sort of messianic call to stop this man.
    Jenn- See? You are encouraging me further to follow the strong voice in my head urging me to stop this man while there is still time.

  10. At first I thought you might need therapy, then I realized this must be your therapy. 🙂 Wow, I think I’ll keep my kids in piano and dance lessons and skip the T-ball.

  11. crse says:

    Why hello Tyler!
    Im so glad you stopped by! Actually, you are right on both counts regarding the therapy. The good news is I do see a therapist too and have been officially identified as “not a danger to self or others” (TYVM). And don’t worry, the blog is pure crse id. I’m too afraid of karmic repercussions to be this bitter in real life. I am going to visit you now!

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