Things you don’t expect when you take your child to urgent care: The doctor, who appears slightly drunk during the examination, to look at you silently for about thirty seconds and then break the awkwardness with the statement, “I want you to take him down to the ER.” (No that’s not the odd part.) “But I need you to do me a favor. When you get there, just pretend you were never here ok?” I obviously looked puzzled. “If it’s the one doctor, she is real b….(Yeah he said the letter b, he did not say bitch). If she knows you were here and we sent you down, she will call up and give us shit.” He then proceeded to list all the reasons it was a good idea to go to the ER, including the fact that we would probably be admitted directly to the hospital and that they were more equipped to treat the problem. Lest I think he was joking or exaggerating about pretending not to have been there, at the end of the conversation, he led me to the front where my check was returned and I was asked to return my receipt. “Now please, just don’t tell her ok?” As Gill and I drove our sick baby back across town, I could not help but silently thank this strange incompetent man for distracting me from my panic with the most bizarre response to treatment request Id seen outside of situation comedy television.
To any readers who might be thinking about writing book: I have a few suggestions. As you compose each sentence, ask yourself, “Would the average crse want to punch my face in if she read this sentence?” Specifically, I would recommend not prefacing the book with the single sentence “This is not for you.” Doing so will definitely cause said average crse to want to hit you with a baseball bat all the while screaming at you that if the book isn’t meant for the second person reader then you better give back all the money you made and get your ass off the damn book tour you pretentious fuck. I would also recommend that if you are writing the book as a direct response to the man-crush you have on your philosophy professor from the 80s? Think long and hard before you make it obvious that you’ve done so. Someday you will not be 30 years old anymore. Do you want to be immortalized for your vast elaborate metaphorical “I like you do you like me circle yes no or maybe” note to said teacher? Because if the book is half-way decent (which frustratingly, it kind of is) people like me will take pleasure in scoffing at you many years after you’ve passed the note via the popular press.
Ok that’s what I have for right now. I may need some tips on proper book club etiquette in the next few weeks.
PS: Welcome H. You are BEAUTIFUL and we are so glad you are here.