Just a little something for the wednesday morning

Things you don’t expect when you take your child to urgent care: The doctor, who appears slightly drunk during the examination, to look at you silently for about thirty seconds and then break the awkwardness with the statement, “I want you to take him down to the ER.” (No that’s not the odd part.) “But I need you to do me a favor. When you get there, just pretend you were never here ok?” I obviously looked puzzled. “If it’s the one doctor, she is real b….(Yeah he said the letter b, he did not say bitch). If she knows you were here and we sent you down, she will call up and give us shit.” He then proceeded to list all the reasons it was a good idea to go to the ER, including the fact that we would probably be admitted directly to the hospital and that they were more equipped to treat the problem. Lest I think he was joking or exaggerating about pretending not to have been there, at the end of the conversation, he led me to the front where my check was returned and I was asked to return my receipt. “Now please, just don’t tell her ok?” As Gill and I drove our sick baby back across town, I could not help but silently thank this strange incompetent man for distracting me from my panic with the most bizarre response to treatment request Id seen outside of situation comedy television.

To any readers who might be thinking about writing book: I have a few suggestions. As you compose each sentence, ask yourself, “Would the average crse want to punch my face in if she read this sentence?” Specifically, I would recommend not prefacing the book with the single sentence “This is not for you.” Doing so will definitely cause said average crse to want to hit you with a baseball bat all the while screaming at you that if the book isn’t meant for the second person reader then you better give back all the money you made and get your ass off the damn book tour you pretentious fuck. I would also recommend that if you are writing the book as a direct response to the man-crush you have on your philosophy professor from the 80s? Think long and hard before you make it obvious that you’ve done so. Someday you will not be 30 years old anymore. Do you want to be immortalized for your vast elaborate metaphorical “I like you do you like me circle yes no or maybe” note to said teacher? Because if the book is half-way decent (which frustratingly, it kind of is) people like me will take pleasure in scoffing at you many years after you’ve passed the note via the popular press.

Ok that’s what I have for right now. I may need some tips on proper book club etiquette in the next few weeks.

PS: Welcome H. You are BEAUTIFUL and we are so glad you are here.

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9 Responses to Just a little something for the wednesday morning

  1. lucy says:

    Yeah, I found the “this book is not for you” statement a little poserish too, but I forced myself past it. The book really is a worthwhile read, but there are some “look at my big existential brain” moments throughout. If it makes you feel better, Tyler just finished the intro.

  2. Dexter Colt says:

    “Would the average crse want to punch my face in if she read this sentence?”

    To be quite honest…that is what I ask myself of each sentence I write for a blog post. If it is not punch-worthy then I generally don’t feel like it is good enough.

  3. Andrea says:

    I was bitching about my life prior to visiting your blog, but you’ve trumped my bitchin’ I do believe.

    Yikes!

    Hope the little one is ok.

  4. Pascal Ebert says:

    The preface is the hardest part. For my next book I’m considering the minimalist approach as well. I just can’t come up with anything as good at “This is not for you.” Some of my ideas thus far:

    -I hope you didn’t pay money for this book.

    or

    -This needs to be the last book you ever read.

    or

    -Take a good look at your life. This book will not help you with that.

    or – and this is my favourite to date:

    -Run!

    Any suggestions?

    Oh – the child is ok, non?

  5. Bunny says:

    Aaackk! You just leave us hanging on the sick baby???? What was wrong? Is it better?

    Aaaacckkk!!!!

  6. crseum says:

    Lucy- Kudos on the “poser” insertion. You and nina will make that word come back. I promise you! I don’t know. I finished it and Im just annoyed and conflicted and a little intrigued and way less scared than i thought id be based on the intro. I really can’t wait to talk to you about it!
    Dexter- You are failing miserably. I am sorry. Your blog is just flat out funny and I have never wanted to punch you. (although the recent spider pic scared me a little so you do elicit emotional response). BTW the only reason I lurk is because I can’t comment without a bunch of rigamarole (or hullaballoo if you prefer) involving logging out and in of accounts which Im too ADD to do without getting distracted and screwing up my email for the next several hours until I remember to switch back.
    Andrea- I didn’t realize it came across so harsh Sorry. It’s not that bad really.
    M. Ebert- It was all context. Sir, you could write the exact sentence or any of your above alternatives and it would not elicit the rage response from the average crse. Furthermore, with all due respect if you read this book and strived to be write in such a manner I would promptly make it my mission in life to discover your identity, gather up all your other blogfollowers and drive to your house for an intervention. Finally, if I must vote, Im going for the second to last. But really all would work well.
    Bunny- Blood infection (possible toxic bite/possible mersa we still do not know) and yes it’s better. We will find out more on the 16th.

  7. gill_smoke says:

    “It” has a name, and on this blog “It” is known as Turnip.

    “I’s got to know friend, I’s got to know,” (-Woddy Guthrie) What is the book being discussed?

    My favorite reach to the reader was sentence that said, “You don’t have to do anything to get enlightened, you already are.” I know the author was talking just to me. I cherish that hug so much I cannot tell you the name of the book.

  8. crseum says:

    Gill- I think she meant “it” as in the thing that was wrong you goof. I remember that book. Or at least I could come up with a short list anyway. I’ll show you the book.

  9. […] about book club which took place last night. Regular readers may recall Ive been fired up about my book club book for a while now. Although I did not voice this on the blog, I also had several thoughts (ok […]

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