Ah friends, you know few things make me happier than a good ole fashioned “told ya so” and long time regular readers may recall that I called shenanigans last year in regards to John Edwards as a viable presidential option in 2008. Unfortunately, my well documented love of the scandal as well as my oft vocalized (although perhaps not here on the blog) personal opinions on blow jobs, prostitutes, affairs, etc and how these scandalous goings on relate to my view of public figures knocks all the wind out of my moral high-road sails on this. Still, I feel obligated to speak out about a point Ive yet to see covered in the press regarding this issue.
My biggest disappointment with John Edwards regarding the scandal is the same struggle I had when Bill Clinton fell from grace in the 90s. John, like Bill before him, is crushing the American dream for me. (No, not fidelity. We are realists here at the crseum.) Im talking about the dream I think we all have although some of us may never admit to reaching this high (or sinking this low depending where your moral compass points). The dream that, if any given one of us gets to hold positions of great power, we will have the resources to mess around with really hot constituents. Im not talking about the amazing little nuances of beauty and other sacred things that draw us together as people. Im talking about an entire “dear penthouse forum, I never thought something like this would happen to a guy/gal like me…” part of your world. Except you KNOW it’s gonna happen to you because you are a powerful figure.
Friends, Im looking hard at 40 right now. My bloom is fading. Still, I think I held my own back in the day and I would have easily slept/engaged in sexual relations/done bad things with (unlit) cigars with the president at that point in my life. (oh yeah, Id have shown him what IS IS..hehehe) (Don’t judge me people, Gill agrees that if he were president, he would have totally gone for me over Lewinsky as well. He also stands by the fact that if Hilary ever looks his way, he’ll proudly throw his hat in the ring to be her cougar bait). I will never forget how I felt in the 1990s when I first saw Monica Lewinsky. Here is the letter I should have written him…
Dear President Clinton, you are probably the most powerful man in the free world. Yeah, you are a little gross but sir, in this country power trumps gross. America holds you to a standard Mr. President. When you cheat, by your own admission it’s not about love. Thus, my questions about your ability as a public leader don’t center around your morality, but your judgment. Do you seriously expect us to believe Monica Lewinsky was the best you could do in terms of a lust filled flesh fest? I would have done you. Hotter women than me surely would have done you. How can we trust you to seek out the best for this country when you were willing to settle for “that woman” for your hot loveless sex romp? What Im saying here is this: You as a world leader owe it to me as your constituent to make sure your dalliance lives up to your position. In short, if s/he doesn’t look like s/he could be headlining on a Showtime after dark special, you have no business sir. Anything less, Mr. President, is betrayal of public trust.
Sincerely, another disillusioned democrat.
Seeing John Edwards over the past week made the hurt fresh again. No, he was not our president but he had so much potential. He was plastic faced and creepy but in terms of pure aesthetic appeal, he led the game. (I don’t want to hear from Barak supporters. Yes, Barak is a close second but those ears hurt him friends. No way around it…) All one has to do is look at Elizabeth to feel his betrayal even more keenly. Elizabeth. Is. Hot. Rielle looks total amateur porn at best. We, as the American public, might have been able to make some sense of the disparity if he loved her. Love is blind, they say. It could explain this unforgivable lapse in aesthetic judgment. As it stands, however, I am faced with yet another crushing blow from the democrats I try so hard to believe in. Senator Edwards, you will never convince me you could not have done better. You didn’t even try sir. Shame on you.
Im trying to raise my boys to dream big. I want them to know that when they become president, they have choices. Whether it’s an Argentine stripper or a high priced male prostitute, my boys will never have to face the question “Why?” People will take one look at their chosen sin and KNOW. And while the public heaps shame, judgment and contempt on my boys, they will know deep in their hearts their parents are privately high-fiving each and exclaiming “that’s what IM talkin’ about”. So please Senator Edwards, what do I tell the children now?
Edited to add I started a companion blog to share the serious thoughts behind the satire. That way if my gentle readers really want to know why Im such an asshole about certain topics, they can explore for themselves!