Travis Bickle Tuesday*

Ok friends, this is a quick and extremely self-indulgent post but the bitterness? It fuels me. Some of you have been politely ignoring my ongoing bitches on twitter about my bank “problem”(s). As well you know, I seldom need encouragement to elaborate on bitches about “problem”(s) and today is no exception. I could regale you with a boring tale of how effed up things have gotten over the past week but instead, I think I will find it more cathartic to frame this as a reality check.
Still I will start from the top:
1. If you were in payroll and you were entering a new account early in the week and the entire two week paycheck from a long time employee bounced back, wouldn’t you maybe let them know they weren’t GETTING PAID THAT WEEK?
2. And if you I don’t know chose NOT TO TELL THEM THEY WEREN’T GETTING PAID would you KEEP ENTERING THE SAME WRONG NUMBER INTO THE SYSTEM EVEN THOUGH IT KEEPS BOUNCING BACK?
2a. We are a hospital friends. We have 1800 employees. Payroll is not one person. It is an ENTIRE DEPARTMENT.
2b. Is not the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Well yes friends. Yes it is. We cover that in the hospital mental health units.
2c. (Correlating back to 2a) What kind of incompetent jackass INCOMPETENT JACKASS re-enters the same number three times after it bounces back?
3. (Where I really start to get pissed). If you get a panicked phone call from an employee at 814am and then at 910am on MONDAY MORNING explaining that they got a pay stub BUT DID NOT GET PAID and shit was bouncing all over town, would you a) call them back and try to figure out what was wrong? or b) Ignore them as some whackjob employee trying to get more money, disregarding the fact that said whackjob has been employeed by the hospital for over 234 pay periods (Oh you know Im pissed when Im doing this kind of math) and NEVER called with such a concern before?
3a. Oh wait, you’d probably go with c) Not acknowledge the employee and continue to NOT LOOK AT THE ROUTING NUMBER PRINTED RIGHT ON THE CHECK because despite the fact that IT IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, you are stuck in some cognitively stunted pattern that refuses to recognize another state exists (let alone has different routing numbers) outside of your xenophobic hometown reality.
4. The answer to number 3 is D: You wait until the desperate employee’s department director contacts you and STILL DON’T CONTACT THE EMPLOYEE??? RUDE RUDE RUDE. You people just moved to the top of the list for the Asshole Rehab I plan to open as soon as society collapses and Im free to implement my interventions without pesky human rights limitations impeding my work.
5. When your sad poor milkless employee calls the bank for the third time looking again for answers, and FIGURES IT OUT FOR YOU TO THE POINT OF PROVIDING THE CORRECT NUMBERS FOR PROMPT CORRECTION FIRST THING TUESDAY MORNING do you fix the mistake thus allowing the desperate worker to access her money instantly, or do you TAKE A HUGE CHUNK OUT OF HER ENTIRE FREAKING MORNING BY FORCING HER TO DRIVE 26 MILES OUT OF HER WAY TO PICK UP A CHECK THAT WON’T CLEAR UNTIL THURSDAY THUS CAUSING ADDITIONAL BOUNCING??? YOU MONSTERS!!!

Ah friends, a rain will come soon and wash all the trash off the sidewalk…..it’s what keeps me going…

*It has come to my attention that there are folks that take this blog literally. I assure you no shivving will take place today. Instead, I will politely thank the folks at payroll for their trouble. I will deposit my check accordingly, suck up the funding problem till thursday and then I will just finish the shit I should have been doing instead of tracking this crap down (and venting to you) when I get home…sigh.

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6 Responses to Travis Bickle Tuesday*

  1. Barbara says:

    Wow. Asshole Rehab. Is that even possible? I have been in this place once and it’s not fun. I expect Karma to take its place among those that have made your milkless life hell.

  2. Georgie B says:

    Speaking as someone who does payroll for a living (for the state of CT), this is what happens when this particular issue arises in my world.

    1) Employee calls asking why there is no money in the account. At this point we were already on top of the situation trying to get in resolved quick enough so that the employee could get a paycheck by Monday (three day wait minimum).

    2) The direct deposit would already be closed out by the Comptrollers so that this wouldn’t happen again until the CORRECT information was obtained elsewhere.

    In any event, it sounds like your payroll dept needs to really be taken out to the woodshed and be given a serious reality check.

    Betcha any amount of money that THEIR PAYCHECKS are right.

  3. lucy says:

    I’m all over the Asshole Rehab too, but here’s my question…is admission voluntary, or can we just pillowcase (yep, I’m verbing a noun) people and lock them up? Cuz’ as of last week, I have SEVERAL new potential inmates. Just asking.

    Who takes this blog seriously? Seriously? It’s called humor, people…hyperbole, satire. Look them up for eff’s sake, and don’t ruin my fun. My inner dark places need this blog to stay exactly as it is, shivs and all.

    Honey, I haven’t been ignoring the bank stuff on twitter, I just didn’t understand it. Now that I do, I say that we should get together and formulate a campaign of payroll directed passive aggressiveness and shaming the likes of which has never been seen before. Our first act should definitely involve milk.

  4. Madame Fabu says:

    This is why I love you! You turn the hysteria into the hysterical! Seriously though- I am glad the ash-hoes figured it out.

  5. jennfactor says:

    Have you seen the commercial where they try to make the guy spit his gum out? See, you don’t have to spend the money on a brick and mortar, we could fit them with the shock collars out of a CAR. We could make this happen!

    The dream lives on…

  6. crseum says:

    Barb- I have a dream…
    Georgie B- See, I suspected it wasn’t like this in other places…
    Lucy- Awww sunshine! It’s ok Ive been very whiny about it. folks probably shouldn’t encourage me. But indeed we shall drink milk and we shall toast our milk to asshole rehab and create diabolical plans of vengeance baby!
    Madame Fabu- Oh sister, THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting me through this little crisis.
    Jennfactor- Dirty rich time? You are on my short list of people to call for specialized ops baby!

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