So You Want To Tempt The Zombies…

Gentle readers, I am sure if you were here right now you’d be saying, “Seriously Crse? You are live-blogging Night Of The Living Dead? You hate scary crap! In fact, didn’t you just say you almost wet yourself last week when they did the live-blog ‘cutting’ during open mic night?” Why yes, gentle readers. That is very true. I’m a little surprised myself. But as scared as I was, I was also mildly intrigued. My intrigue grew when I came home last night to find Norm and Gill watching the Starz bunnies version of NOTLD which was AWESOME (because really. Who can resist a bunny voice saying “They’re coming to get you Barbara!”) and let’s face it, there is something magical about the words “free preview” and “snacks” (although Ms. Brooke did warn us that we might not want snacks. As if!) Edited to add: Way to lie about the snacks Brooke.

Ok friends, it is now 1am. I am safely home but will admit that I did experience several extremely uncomfortable moments in the garage during which i was afraid to get out of my car lest the zombies “git” me. I was more than slightly relieved to see that Gill was still awake and only feet from the back door when I came in. It’s always comforting to know your family protector would have been able to hear you scream had the zombies come for you in your garage.

Here is what I learned tonight about live-blogging a play. It’s not like a debate or open mic where the observation opportunities can just flow out of you.

********SPOILER ALERT*********

Instead, I will offer the advice Id give to each of the characters: (Bear in mind that this not based in any sort of knowledge of theater but does reflect the extensive zombie survival training Ive received from Gretty over the years,)

Listen Barbara. It’s great that you are making friends with the guy who killed all the zombies that were attacking you. But here are some signs that there are problems with your new friend.
– Instead of boarding up the windows in a thorough competent way, he stands there with the hammer and nails and whines like a little bitch for fifteen minutes about his zombie attack. Um Barbara? I know you were in shock, but you didn’t even ask him for his stupid story anyway.
– And when you tell him how you WEREN’T in a truck and your brother was half eaten in front of you, he tells you to “calm down?” (What the crap jackass? Sorry she took away from your soul wrenching “had to drive away in a truck” story to realize she got her ass kicked by zombies.)
– He tosses a board or two on each window and then GOES UPSTAIRS? But don’t worry, he can hear everything. You know what Barbara? I knew the zombies were going to try to get in and Ive never even seen a zombie movie. I have to admit. I was wondering if he didn’t set you up there so he could show off his zombie fighting prowess.
– When some relatively sane people come out of the basement to see what’s happening, he picks a fight with them and tells them if they can’t stay upstairs with you guys, they can’t have any of your stuff. Or you. Now like I said Barbara, Ive never seen a zombie movie but i did read Lord Of The Flies. You are a very attractive woman Barbara so when I compare him to Jack and you to Piggy, I know you know it’s about the fact that he totally sent that crazy “gonna steal your glasses and throw rocks at you if you cross me” vibe.

Now Helen. Listen. I know you and Harry have some marital issues. Im a therapist. Im all sympathetic to that sister. But you’ve got a crazy power mad guy upstairs and a daughter who everyone (but you) knows is about to go zombie. Why don’t you maybe shelve these things til you are all in a better place?

Tommy, you seemed so sweet and gullible in that “golly gee Mr. Cooper let’s stick with the crazy gun hogging guy” way. I knew you were a dead guy as soon as you walked on stage. You threw your lot in with Ben the “let’s do a bunch of stuff that will piss off everyone in the group” guy and I knew that it was over for you.

Judy, you just had to run out and tattle on Harry didn’t you? And look what happened. Maybe if you’d have stayed with the sane people you would have had a fighting chance. Im pretty sure the four of you could have taken the little zombie girl when she turned.

I admit I was confused by a lot of what was happening. I blame the fact that I lost my glasses and kept muttering things like “Don’t let her nap by the same window the zombies came in, you idiots!” and “seriously you are sending out the two guys who needed each other to carry a 13 inch tv across the room to get help for you? really?” (At this point in the show, Dennick asked. “Were tvs really heavy back then?” No buddy. They weren’t).

Overall, I was surprised that the play was so fun. I went expecting to be creeped out but it turns out that zombies and zombie avoidant refugees can amuse as well as scare! The zombies were hilarious. At one point, a zombie lurched slowly across the front of the theater while eating what appeared to be a brain and making orgasmic noises the entire time. It was like performance art. I was also excited to notice that my friend Danna was a zombie too! Get down with your bad rockin’ zombie self Danna!

I was also, however, surprised that the play was less than an hour long. I will admit friends, I was a little disappointed about that. I know the movie was only 96 minutes and Dennick (who saw the movie and is an amazingly talented director himself) explained that there were scenes that just could not be done on stage. Still, maybe a zombie dance party? Or some extended zombie fighting scenes? Ah well. What the hell do I know anyway?

********END SPOILER ALERT*********

In summary, if you don’t like scary stuff too much but want to be put in a Halloween-y mood, this is the show for you. More importantly, I highly recommend the show as a perfect case study as to how to completely tank during a zombie attack.

In other news, I had a surprise opportunity to get a “face-to-face” with Democratic Darling “Maxine Factor” (of Vote Pretty Fame) after the show. I will be reporting on this soon as giving readers a sneak peak of his vice-presidential pick. (Let’s just say that disenfranchised Hilary voters will finally have our day) Until then, don’t forget to keep voting pretty!


9 Responses to So You Want To Tempt The Zombies…

  1. lucy says:

    The 13 inch tv part cracked me up. It sounds like a fun show.

  2. lucy says:

    Oh, and thanks for not using the “Zombie Invade…” headline that everyone else used. Your take is so much more fresh and interesting.

  3. Sega says:

    The 1968? independent movie version of Night of the Living Dead was filmed in Pittsburgh. The director is often at a Fourth of July party my sister frequents. Thought you might find interesting…

  4. mckelly says:

    The whole post cracked me up. Wish I lived closer. Night Of The Living Dead is one of my faves and watching the play would be even more enjoyable with your advice in mind.

  5. mckelly says:

    Almost forgot. I’ve been voting pretty but if this ends up splitting the vote on election day I’m coming after ya. LOL. Can’t wait to here about the face time!

  6. gretty says:

    I can’t tell you how proud I am of you…sniff…you have learned well!

  7. John says:

    I have a weakness for Zombie movies.. no matter how bad they may be… I can’t NOT watch them if I know they are on!!!

  8. Dexter Colt says:

    Oh, I would love to see the stage production for Lucio Fulci’s “Zombi 2” aka “Zombie Flesh Eaters.” Fulci was a sick genius. When the zombie fought the shark?! Easily one of my top 10 cinematic moments of all time.

  9. crseum says:

    Lucy- Im glad we shared reviews. hehehe
    Sega- You my friend are a woman of many surprises. Sometimes I think I should just never be surprised because you are always surprising.
    McKelly- I hope you saw the video! (And don’t worry, she isn’t even on the ballot.
    Gretty- Beaming..
    John- I did not know this about you! I wish you’d have been in town to see this.
    Dexter- You are a sick fuck. In the best possible way of course.

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