Dusting Out The Cobwebs

January 5, 2009

Ok friends. I can spend the next paragraph making lame excuses about where I’ve been but we are better than that, aren’t we? Truth be told, I didn’t have writer’s block, I haven’t been horribly busy and nothing is so bitterly wrong that I can’t bring myself to write. Well, at least since Christmas, anyway. I did get a new MP3 player and some books I really wanted…..chuzzle has been keeping me kind of busy….maybe I should stick with lame excuses…

New Year’s Resolutions? Why yes I do have them. For the record, I decided that I wasn’t going to work on them until today. Because realistically? Who starts working on themselves on a Thursday right? If ever there’s a day I stop trying friends? it is Thursday. Here they are:

1. Wear slippers more frequently. I got a pair from my friend Shakes in the work gift exchange and also ended up with a pair of pink furry mules over Christmas week. My feet get cold. It’s clearly a sign.
2. Stop being sucked into every “as seen on tv” ad. I didn’t come up with this one until yesterday. A commercial for blendy-pens came on and Norm snorted. “Remember what a rip-off those were mom?” Ouch. “Just like the snuggies” he added. I said ouch sir! Ah but he is right. So despite the fact that Gill is mesmerized by the Big City Slider Station and we both are convinced that the Shamwow* would change our lives forever,* I resolve to keep Gill’s credit card numbers in my pants. At least until February. Or until I see something I’m sure will better our family as a whole (you know, like those bags that keep your food fresh for a miraculously long time?)
3. Listen to reason. As I was sharing this last resolution with Gill, we discussed the relative merits of the snuggies. I told him that I’d really like an electric blanket. “Absolutely not,” he declared adamantly. “Someone who surrounds herself with as many beverages as you do cannot afford to be as clumsy as you are around an electric blanket.” But I’ll be really careful! “Or you’ll be dead within the week”. Touche Gill. Touche.

I’ve got other ones, including (but not limited to) using apostrophes more consistently, releasing myself from the bitch servitude of my three year old, and improving my television viewing options both by broadening my scope of preferred shows and by using the DVR more efficiently. You will note I am not resolving to blog more. I don’t want to pressure myself too much, but I do hope that happens anyway. How realistic are these goals? I guess we will have to wait and see. Happy New Year either way, gentle readers.

*Shamwow awkward moment of Christmas Our friend Dennick was relating a story to Gill and me about gift disappointment when he used this metaphor: “So I expected to get something really personal and ended up with a Shamwow”. Apparently, our faces must have registered our belief that the Shamwow would be the ultimate gift, because Dennick got a pained awkward look on his face, like we both farted at once. Or told him we were swingers with a penchant for elderly flabby people. He backed away from the simile tactfully. “Ok maybe not like a shamwow”. I immediately recognized our faux pas, and told him I knew exactly what he meant. Gill, however, being the socially astute people reader that he is, was not deterred and launched into a detailed defense of the shamwow. I tried to counter his tribute with a half-hearted “I’m sure it’s not as good as they say it is” but I didn’t even believe myself. I guess it showed because Dennick left soon afterward.

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Monday Musings

January 7, 2008

Sometimes a fifty cent bag of caramels seems like a much better deal than it actually turns out to be.

If you are in a long term relationship and you love your partner, you might want to think about the implied cruelty of telling them they have a big glop of chocolate candy on their left butt-cheek pant leg when they are getting up to give an announcement in church and are completely powerless to do anything about it.

White-out. I have never had a good relationship with white-out. I have hopes that it will turn out like cream cheese and the office supply version of the secret answer to 25 years of squishing the cream cheese out of the package in a time consuming, messy and largely unproductive manner will suddenly become evident. I need the white out secret answer.

“knock knock”
who’s there?
“ketchup”
ketchup who?
I dont know!

there is something unspeakably profound to be discovered in the knock knock joke of a two year old.

So guitar hero turns out to be a dark mistress. I should have seen trouble coming during the prison show when i had the rock battle with slash from guns n roses. But after spending two frustrating days trying to figure out how to get past the creepy looking unwashed plumber guy who shamed me mercilessly in the first battle, my relatively quick success with slash lulled me into a false sense of confidence. Things started to go really badly in Japan (note: the Japanese guitar hero fans are much less forgiving and mannerly than the fellows at the prison when a song falls apart. I was appalled. I thought Japanese culture was more genteel than this!) At around 1am I found myself face to face with a battle for my soul. The worst part? The battle involves a song list that could easily been constructed in a personal nightmare. (you know the one….you cant find any pants and every where you go people are serving food you don’t like for dinner.) At that point I went to bed. Ill keep you posted.

For the record, as Ive alluded to several times, I am also harboring an addiction to the nintendo game “brain age”. I am currently obsessed with “virus busters” which appears to be a very low tech version of atari’s space invaders (there are no stars…)

ok friends thats all I got. Gill is making me battle for my soul. He is certain I will lose as “I am not quite evil enough”

Good night and godspeed friends…


Monday Musings

July 10, 2007

Thanks for all your kind words friends. I am happy to say that after a particularly hellacious five days, chez panflutemaster has returned to “normal”. Im woefully behind on the lives of all my friends in the blogoverse but I promise Im going to catch up soon! Typically, I silently hang my head in shame when Im this behind but my dearest Madame Fabu has seen better days recently (work is insane, car problems extraordinaire) and I wanted to give her a little something in case she gets over here for stress relief. (although last i heard she and senor were childless for the evening and engaged in some sort of clorox fuelled night of hi-jinx) So here are a few (very few) monday musings.

– YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FRIENDS: (I call you all as patent witnesses)Here is a brilliant idea for a product. You know how some people only like burnt potato chips? Well how about a brand of potato chips that are specifically burnt? Just Burnt Potato Chips. I think I would totally buy these chips. (I ate some burnt crackers today and while enjoying their tastiness, I could not help but think that this could really catch on. A whole cottage industry of ill-prepared yet tasty treats)

– During my seventy billionth viewing of Spongebob Squarepants this evening, I picked up an interesting little bit of trivia. At the beginning of the movie, as sponge bob prepares for what he expects to be a big promotion at the krusty krab, he alludes to his wall of pride which, as he reports, displays 375 consecutive employee of the month awards. Now I crunched the numbers friends…..sit down and take a deep breath…..it means that spongebob has been working in that restaurant for over 30 years! Granted, Im not sure if there is a human to sponge year ratio like we have with dogs, and no clarification appears to be available regarding bikini bottom labor laws, but if we translate this all to human equivalents? SPONGEBOB IS 47 YEARS OLD. The implications of this are absolutely mind boggling. Again, you heard it here first!

Sega and other clown dodgers, this is a clown alert!

– I know I have not spoken of “der kamp” in a while. I will tell you this. There is a HUGE difference between an american clown and the German KLOWN. And it aint just how you say the word my friends. (In case you are wondering, you say american clown like a little whiny whimper. The German Klown? You make that K HARD and you draw out the OW in klown. You let the n slide a little because you know what? The KLOW part is enough! Cant say that about american clowns now can ya?) I have heard the siren’s call once again friends. Except this time, its not the tinkling song of the ice cream truck of my dreams allowing me to travel the open roads providing frozen sticks of happiness to all who cross my path. Now it is the life of the KLOWn that calls to me friends. Its a dream yes. But its a damn big one…..

ok again promise i will catch up soon!

A few promos:

-If you havent had the chance, track down Rockdog’s webradio show It happens saturdays at midnight and i havent caught it yet, but hear tell its an uproariously good time.

– Speaking of Klowns, Mert has been nominated for class clown! And everyone who knows mert knows she has the heart of a German Klown friends. Go vote for her.

Go give some love:

Gretty is celebrating her 40th birthday on Wednesday. Birthday wishes are welcome to be sure.

My sweet little Ash is on her last few weeks of gestation. In Florida. In the summer. Cool breezes and comfort of all sorts would be welcome there im sure!

thats all i got, ill try to be better!

Edited to Add: So in perusing my sitemeter (or as i like to frame it: stalking my stalkers) I noticed Im getting all these hits for some google image thing from all over the country. I look into this a bit further and its THE DAMN WEASLY TWINS!!!! (Lucy just left me a funny message about her Harry Potter bedmate btw) I have not seen a single harry potter movie and I read one book (I LOVE YOU PIPPA DONT CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!) and found it….mediocre. Maybe its just late and Im just tired, but Im kind of amused by the thought of rabid harry potter fans ending up at the last possible place they will find dumblefuck (or whatever it is) information. Its the little things…..


Monday Musings

June 11, 2007

– Our bank account was pirated yet again. Someone pilfered Gill’s debit number and made three $900 purchases at three different Wal-Marts in the metropolitan areas of Phoenix, Arizona. I just wrote and deleted a page of all the things that piss me off in relation to the situation, but it was too angry for a monday musing. Instead, let us ponder this: why one would just go to Wal-mart if one felt one had unlimited funding? At least the last guy who ripped us off had some imagination. He bought first class plane tickets from london to ireland. I never respected him until mr. Identity Stealing Wal-Mart Shopping Mediocre Fuck Up came along. I had no idea Mr. Continental was adding such a sense of class to identity theft until now. MISWMSMFU also made a 25 dollar purchase at jack in the box. Could he make our stolen identities more white trash? (not that i dont enjoy a jack in the box meal when circumstances warrant, mind you) The more I think about it, the more I just want to beat the shit out of this guy. Not even because he stole our money, but because he is so tacky in how he is spending it. I mean seriously, if you are going to spend 27 hundred bucks at wal-mart, you cant buy a pair of fucking khakis and a polo and take the little lady to a nice restaurant for once? Jack Ass.

-Today is my grammy’s birthday. She would have been 87. We went to the cemetery and left a balloon on her stone. Which was admittedly chintzy but I felt a bit cornered what with the screw in vases and cemetery protocol (which is way beyond my scope of understanding). As we were pulling in, we noticed a sign stating “we have niches”. Anybody know what a niche is? Should I buy grammy one? I dont want her not to have one if the rest of the dead people are getting them. I already feel bad enough about the vase. Grammy would have been pissed about the identity theft. She thinks we are way too careless with our money.

-Sometimes NPR really creeps me the fuck out. I shall say no more.

– Have I mentioned that I think Ive passed into a new stage of social-emotional development? Yes friends, it’s Generativity vs. self-absorption. I sprung the good news on Gill the other day. He asked how intimacy vs. isolation worked out for me. There was an awkward silence. Honestly though? A five year old sleeps in our bed right now so while Im leaning towards isolation, I cant offer a truly informed answer at this point. Upon reflection however, it could be that my chronic and deep seated self absorption is presenting as isolation. Go me in stage seven!

– I need a good sexual fantasy crush. (Gill if you’re reading this, I mean beyond the obviously mind and body shattering sexual reality you create for me). I was crushing on Mike Logan from law and order for a while (NOT Chris Noth; Mike Logan) but that’s kind of petered out. Johnny Depp is still on the A-list of course but he hasn’t sparked anything new lately. Anybody have ideas?

Gretty is blogging again. You should go see her.

That’s enough musing for one day.


Monday Musings

May 21, 2007

Sorry about the long pause there friends. Weekend madness has ensued. Its party season now and the whirlwind is beginning. The two birthday parties of the weekend were lovely. One was a bowling alley party involving about twenty little girls ranging from 6-8 years and a smattering of boys. Needless to say I was kind of dreading that, not because of the birthday girls but well…for the obvious reasons. But as fate would have it, the girls were way less screamy and the alley way less loud than i expected! The other birthday party was AWESOME! Very relaxed and social with good food and good company and an amazingly beautiful baby celebrating her first birthday. Stretched the turnip way past his point of tolerance but it was worth it! Yesterday we went to see Shrek with the female Fabus as Senor Fabu was working overtime. Just delightful I tell you! Anyway, Ive been thinking about my monday blogging. I realize im kind of negative on mondays which is not really reflective of how i feel about mondays. Secretly? I kind of like Mondays! They are almost never as bad as I anticipate them to be on sundays. So I think instead of bitch and moan monday (which may come back with a moments notice) and missing mondays (which kind of made me sad!) Im going to try monday musings. Random observations on a monday. So here goes:

– I am really really puzzled by these two characters on Camp Laslo. They are large and purple and have these halos of flies that follow them everywhere. What the hell are these things? Any input is welcome.

– I was handling a crisis call from home this morning and the kids were being surprisingly cooperative. In the midst of the call, turnip toddles over and climbs up on my lap. He has the remote control and he starts talking into it like a phone. Im watching him and thinking, man i could probably switch phones and the client on the other end would probably not even notice. Nothing says Im making a difference in the world like that kind of realization….

– As a frequent sheetz customer/devotee, I cannot figure out why all the pennsylvania sheetzes have espresso bars and all the Ohio ones do not. It does not seem to be based on old sheetz versus new sheetz. I want to know why this is.

This might end up being a liveblog because its taken two freaking hours to complete this due to all the distraction. Stay tuned friends!