Keepin’ It Real Here At The Crseum

January 7, 2009

So I had the realization yesterday that my attempt to get away from random dashes has slowed my blogging way down. And after that, I had the realization that it’s my damn blog! What’s wrong with random dashes anyway? You people don’t need paragraphs to keep you happy right? I didn’t think so. All right then. Let’s just put this whole experiment behind us and move on. No blame no shame.

– I’m happy to report that we may have successfully retrained the Turnip to sleep through the night. I’m not offering details of our methods publicly but I will say that they are…..legal. Right now, I’m trying to keep him awake until at least 8pm. I feel kind of bad but also kind of tempted to engage in some brainwashing. Nothing evil of course, just a few repetitions of “I like to listen to my Mommy” or “I like to do what Mommy tells me to do.” Maybe flash some pictures of him getting buckled in his car seat smiling as opposed to throwing punches and requiring significant physical restraint. Of course, much like the Sasquatch or the Yedi, there have been few sitings of this particular phenomenon and none captured on film.

– I saw the short overweight obnoxious guy with the large man-boobs from last summer’s soccer clinic tonight at Norm’s dance class. Gentle readers will be happy to hear that I controlled my impulse to kick him in his soft fleshy parts. I would like to pretend I did so because I am a mature adult. In truth, I simply couldn’t bear the idea of an impotent tennis shoe kick when I was so close to so many kids in tap shoes. Had I been wearing tap shoes myself? Id have contused his ass. (Or some part of him anyway).

– I went to the doctor today. The good news is that I lost two pounds since April (I know it’s not much but considering my personal habits, it’s cause to marvel) The bad news is that I may be shrinking. I don’t know how such a thing could happen to a cheese-lover like myself but friends, I am alarmed. Still, Im probably ok with the possibility that the two pounds came off my height.

Ok I have to go “play guys” with the turnip. Long Live the Random Dash!


Dusting Out The Cobwebs

January 5, 2009

Ok friends. I can spend the next paragraph making lame excuses about where I’ve been but we are better than that, aren’t we? Truth be told, I didn’t have writer’s block, I haven’t been horribly busy and nothing is so bitterly wrong that I can’t bring myself to write. Well, at least since Christmas, anyway. I did get a new MP3 player and some books I really wanted…..chuzzle has been keeping me kind of busy….maybe I should stick with lame excuses…

New Year’s Resolutions? Why yes I do have them. For the record, I decided that I wasn’t going to work on them until today. Because realistically? Who starts working on themselves on a Thursday right? If ever there’s a day I stop trying friends? it is Thursday. Here they are:

1. Wear slippers more frequently. I got a pair from my friend Shakes in the work gift exchange and also ended up with a pair of pink furry mules over Christmas week. My feet get cold. It’s clearly a sign.
2. Stop being sucked into every “as seen on tv” ad. I didn’t come up with this one until yesterday. A commercial for blendy-pens came on and Norm snorted. “Remember what a rip-off those were mom?” Ouch. “Just like the snuggies” he added. I said ouch sir! Ah but he is right. So despite the fact that Gill is mesmerized by the Big City Slider Station and we both are convinced that the Shamwow* would change our lives forever,* I resolve to keep Gill’s credit card numbers in my pants. At least until February. Or until I see something I’m sure will better our family as a whole (you know, like those bags that keep your food fresh for a miraculously long time?)
3. Listen to reason. As I was sharing this last resolution with Gill, we discussed the relative merits of the snuggies. I told him that I’d really like an electric blanket. “Absolutely not,” he declared adamantly. “Someone who surrounds herself with as many beverages as you do cannot afford to be as clumsy as you are around an electric blanket.” But I’ll be really careful! “Or you’ll be dead within the week”. Touche Gill. Touche.

I’ve got other ones, including (but not limited to) using apostrophes more consistently, releasing myself from the bitch servitude of my three year old, and improving my television viewing options both by broadening my scope of preferred shows and by using the DVR more efficiently. You will note I am not resolving to blog more. I don’t want to pressure myself too much, but I do hope that happens anyway. How realistic are these goals? I guess we will have to wait and see. Happy New Year either way, gentle readers.

*Shamwow awkward moment of Christmas Our friend Dennick was relating a story to Gill and me about gift disappointment when he used this metaphor: “So I expected to get something really personal and ended up with a Shamwow”. Apparently, our faces must have registered our belief that the Shamwow would be the ultimate gift, because Dennick got a pained awkward look on his face, like we both farted at once. Or told him we were swingers with a penchant for elderly flabby people. He backed away from the simile tactfully. “Ok maybe not like a shamwow”. I immediately recognized our faux pas, and told him I knew exactly what he meant. Gill, however, being the socially astute people reader that he is, was not deterred and launched into a detailed defense of the shamwow. I tried to counter his tribute with a half-hearted “I’m sure it’s not as good as they say it is” but I didn’t even believe myself. I guess it showed because Dennick left soon afterward.


Things I’ve Learned This Week

December 16, 2008

– If I fall asleep with CSPAN on, I have hot politically charged sex dreams. If I fall asleep to the History Channel, I dream about being socially “stuck” spending time with a lunatic who is pressuring me into buying the “state” coins. The worst part of last night’s dream involved Gill offering to buy half the states and a storage box to shut the guy up while I frantically (but unsuccessfully) tried to signal him not to make the purchase.

– Apparently, our “village” has a leaf law. (Is anybody surprised that we were found in violation of said law?) I still don’t understand what bad choices I made in life that got me to the point where I live in a place that is pretentious enough both to call itself a “village” and to have a leaf law.

-Speaking of bad choices, may I mention that I just got schooled by my six year old? When I referred to his classmate as a pain in the ass he agreed but then added, “Maybe instead of that you could say bohookey or hindquarters”.

– Turns out fathead.com is not a gag after all. It is a genuine company that sells life size wall stickies. I’m a little pissed because it does seem to be gender biased. I did find a life sized Zac Efron however. No need to judge friends. Remember our talk about the difference between embarrassing and illegal? In real life he’s 21.

Well friends, that’s all I got this morning. Except a notice that I’m changing the format of the Crsees. From now on, in hopes of alleviating some of the brutal competition that’s been surrounding the event, I’m just adding random Crsees to the bottom of my posts. Today’s random Crsee?

The “If I Lived An Alternate Life” site: Jackassletters.com is living the crseum dream. Friends, he wrote a letter to toys r us requesting “Adults Only” night. Now that, gentle readers, is Pure Crsee.


A Crse Of The People

November 24, 2008

I can ignore my (two) fans no longer, so in lieu of the horribly late crsees, I will offer you some random shit until I can get a double crsee feature together (oh and I do have some really good ones saved up friends…)

Warning: Body elimination issues ahead:

– The foster dog is gone. I haven’t given many details about how the foster dog has been disrupting our world because we love the foster dog’s mom and although Im fairly certain she doesn’t read the blog, she has the address and I don’t want to make her cry. But yeah, it sucked. He peed a lot of places. Like on laundry. And in bins of toys. And on coats. He ate chickens off the stove. He stood on the end tables so he could look out the window. He ass-raped George. (note to luckybuzz and the wimmin: Seriously? Who knew that this particular disclosure was going to stop conversation like it did?) In short, we are starting to live again.

– Turnip unfortunately appears to feel the need to compensate for the lack of randomly placed waste elimination today. He started the morning by standing naked in the middle of the kitchen and peeing under the table. I want to describe the scene as it unfolded but it really defies verbal descriptions. I was naively positive about the outcome of this event a) because turnip was really disturbed about the fact that he did this (as opposed to his general “ill pee where i want when i want motherfuckers” attitude) and b) because gill bought a gallon of sanitizer and left it in a conveniently located place allowing for ease of mind in clean up process. (can we get a whoop whoop for gill here? especially since im going to make politely ask him to mop the kitchen over again tonight?)

– Why was it naive? Because a few hours later, the boys (yes Norm is home. Again. He was coughing up lungs last night and this am.) were in the tub and Norm got out to poop. He called me to tell me he didn’t know what to do because his hands were wet and he couldn’t wipe (He gets those problem solving skills from me…hehehe). As I was helping him dry his hands, Turnip tells me that he pooped and is soaking wet too. (Did I mention he was in the tub?) Now friends, I don’t know what possesses me to do this sort of thing but I actually stood there and argued with him for at least a minute. noooo you didn’t poop! You’re just pretending right? “Nope, me pooped mom” No you didn’t buddy, you just heard your brother say that right? “Nope mom, me did it meself”. When did you do this buddy? A while ago? Maybe another time? “Nope me just did it. see?” (question to other parents: are all three year olds this comfortable with handling their own feces? Im just wondering if we might have an issue on our hands) (no pun intended).

So friends, it is the end of the month. I have reports due and a Very. Ugly. Meeting. tomorrow at 1pm so I am going to wade through some metaphorical shit now but promise good things (and to get to my own comments and your blogs) soon….


The Crsees

November 7, 2008

Friends, Ive decided to start a new feature here at The Crseum. Every Friday (or at least for today) I will announce the weekly winners of Crsee awards. To add legitimacy to this process, I plan to make up categories from week to week. I think. Unless I coincidentally have category appropriate rewards. In sum, Im thinking the Crsees are going to be random.

Maybe Ill add a little canned speech at the beginning of each ceremony. Perhaps a dialog between my multiple personalities. Today though, we’ll just jump right in.

1. Most alarming elementary school social trend*: I Heart Troy book bags carried around by little girls. Look you little hussies. Troy is mine. Keep your grimy little nose-picking paws off him.

2. Happiest food surprise: The lovely spread put out at a free local workshop Wednesday. A tower of fruit and dip (now granted it wasnt chocolate friends, but this was at 3 in the afternoon!) and a tray of cookies. And not lame ass cookies either. They were the kind of cookies that take ten minutes to eat because they are so thickly laden with cookie goodness. Did I mention the pitchers of diet soda? BRILLIANT PEOPLE.

3. Saddest realization: That working in mental health has lowered the bar for me considerably in terms of what my refreshment expectations during free mid-afternoon workshops. Or most workshops for that matter. Dammit Im better than munchkins and warm sunny-d after driving for an hour in pre-dawn snow slush.

4. Biggest short term regret- Not fulfilling Lucy’s unexpressed desire to stand up and ask questions about our collaberative experiences using phrases like “well say hypothetically, the ‘champion’ you refer to as a key component of collaboration building happens to be seen by most of the folks she deals with as [insert quote fingers here] incredibly off putting and possibly unstable? How does one work around that for the good of the collaboration?”

5. Biggest long term regret- Ever letting anyone under the age of five be in the same house with dvds.

6. Most annoying schedule change eliciting text message- “emo boy threatened to kill himself again. Can you come out?”

7. Most disturbing direct twitter: commonlucy ok i’m going to bed now, but i had to tell you that our new chief of staff—only nine fingers! sleep well honey.

Our finale was a bit of a nail biter this week. Every day we had a new front runner right up until the end when I tallied results.
8. Most anxiety provoking phone message: From Shakes: I will have to paraphrase but suffice it to say that the boy who has been my client for three days. No. Not even 48 hours was kicked out of daycare for throwing rocks at a little girl. Then threatened to beat the shit out of her. Then threatened to sue her.

Ahhh there’s the music friends. Thanks for tuning in and keep watching. I suspect competition has already started for next week’s Crsees.

* As defined by me….of course.


For Your Monday Pleasure

October 13, 2008

Here is some irrelevant monday crap because I can’t get a post together and I know my monday people need this.

First a list of posts in progress: (Does it surprise you that I have posts in progress? Well the word progress is kind of up for a more loose interpretation. I am thinking about these things but they haven’t quite come together yet)

1. The aforementioned “Why I think the original Jesus sayings indicate a generally undiscussed sense of jerkiness in his character and how I realized in the nick of time that as relevant as it seemed I probably ought not say that in a room full of Christians” – I need to do my research plus Im not ready for more conflict.

2. A disturbing establishment sanctioned abandonment of a long standing social norm at one of my favorite restaurants and why I can’t go back there ever again.- Im still working this all out in my head. It was that disturbing.

3. An “about town” review of a dance I went to on Saturday in which I wanted to share anecdotes involving my new friend Lars the Protector (who is a stand-up comedian, which of course elevates him to instant star status in mind) and others “on the scene”. Unfortunately the review was supposed to involve a report of Y-town’s newly single  Dennick caught in the act of “canoodling” during wild boy on the town moments. – Still working this out plus Dennick stubbornly refused to canoodle by 930 when gill dragged me home (for reasons too graphic to discuss even on this blog)(I will just add that in retrospect, yes I am moderately embarrassed about having an impromptu educational forum about fisting in front of one of my favorite mom-friends and her 17 year old daughter. Thank you pre-gaming. Thank you mango rum.).

4. Another gossipy speculative post on Madame Fabu’s sister’s wedding and my hopes that if god forbid it tanks, we still get to eat all those cookies. (Mother Fabu can make some mean-ass cookies my friends)

Next:

Ive been out and about in the blogosphere over the past few weeks and want to share some of my favorite new sites:

MRN: Caturday Night Live. If you like lolcatz, you will love this site. If you hate lolcatz, you will love this site. But this fellow isn’t all lolcatz (or lolhooterzgirlz), he is also running for president with the slogan “snitches get stitches”. I don’t want to speak too soon or split the vote, but MRN is on my short list…..and you might want to stay tuned for an endorsement announcement.

Arjewtino His subtitle is “Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”. My beloved SIL Lucy turned me onto Arjewtino a few weeks ago and the man is a freaking comic genius.

Elecpencil: Poetry and Angst From A Middle Ager I know what you are thinking readers. “But crse, you hate poetry!” But friends, his poems are funny and don’t rhyme. Win-Win for crse.

ok so what else?
– No matter what you hear, the bloody nose I gave Gill this morning was a total accident. (if that’s what you all want to believe hehehe)
– We seem to suffer from a consistent ketchup deficit in our house and I don’t understand why. Today? My vision of plentiful involves a ketchup glut here at the crseum. My goal is to create that glut by thanksgiving. Then maybe I will make a cornucopia of ketchup.
– I have many rational things to be anxious about right now. Instead, Im deciding to hyperfocus on the fact that I haven’t ordered our book-club books and our meeting is next tuesday. “Well crse,” you might be reasoning “you only have eight days and that’s kind of a big responsibility”. Except Im only responsible for myself and litchick. And she never starts the reading until the weekend before (if not the day before) book club. Someday I should blog about my relationship with litchick. She is so good for my soul, if you haven’t already figured that out.
-Note to self: When you meet a friend through LBGT activism don’t automatically assume that when they say something like “I have to ask you something later but you can tell me it’s none of my business”, they are going to ask if you were ever a man. (It was a hand-me-down clothes question. Decidedly less dramatic. Thanks again Lucy, for talking me down on that one)

ok that should keep my monday folks until i get something meatier…


Hitting The Wall

September 29, 2008

-i really doubt that you want to hear all the things that suck about my job, so I will spare you. Suffice it to say that note-writing is basically an exercise in reviewing all the suckiness of the month. It’s very discouraging.
– Sometimes I worry about my younger brother. He’s become very catholic over the past year which is fine. Still, is there going to be some sort of cognitive break where he realizes the moral contradiction between his daily devotion forwards and the XXX NAUGHTY POSTER emails he sends?
– The McCain sign is up again in the neighbor’s yard.
– For a variety of reasons, my mood has become more foul as the day progresses. Im going to try to make that motivating. Ill keep you posted.