Keepin’ It Real Here At The Crseum

January 7, 2009

So I had the realization yesterday that my attempt to get away from random dashes has slowed my blogging way down. And after that, I had the realization that it’s my damn blog! What’s wrong with random dashes anyway? You people don’t need paragraphs to keep you happy right? I didn’t think so. All right then. Let’s just put this whole experiment behind us and move on. No blame no shame.

– I’m happy to report that we may have successfully retrained the Turnip to sleep through the night. I’m not offering details of our methods publicly but I will say that they are…..legal. Right now, I’m trying to keep him awake until at least 8pm. I feel kind of bad but also kind of tempted to engage in some brainwashing. Nothing evil of course, just a few repetitions of “I like to listen to my Mommy” or “I like to do what Mommy tells me to do.” Maybe flash some pictures of him getting buckled in his car seat smiling as opposed to throwing punches and requiring significant physical restraint. Of course, much like the Sasquatch or the Yedi, there have been few sitings of this particular phenomenon and none captured on film.

– I saw the short overweight obnoxious guy with the large man-boobs from last summer’s soccer clinic tonight at Norm’s dance class. Gentle readers will be happy to hear that I controlled my impulse to kick him in his soft fleshy parts. I would like to pretend I did so because I am a mature adult. In truth, I simply couldn’t bear the idea of an impotent tennis shoe kick when I was so close to so many kids in tap shoes. Had I been wearing tap shoes myself? Id have contused his ass. (Or some part of him anyway).

– I went to the doctor today. The good news is that I lost two pounds since April (I know it’s not much but considering my personal habits, it’s cause to marvel) The bad news is that I may be shrinking. I don’t know how such a thing could happen to a cheese-lover like myself but friends, I am alarmed. Still, Im probably ok with the possibility that the two pounds came off my height.

Ok I have to go “play guys” with the turnip. Long Live the Random Dash!

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What doesn’t kill us….

December 10, 2008

Bedtime games I never wanted to play:

– Extreme “guys” fight club. (For those not schooled in our newfound family past time, the only way I know to describe “guys” is to ask you to imagine playing “house” with any number of assorted creatures or animals the turnip can gather into his “family of friends”.) This particular version of the game involves standing over prone adult and screaming “fight” with the creature of choice in hand and then jumping into the air and diving onto said prone adult.

– Group family pile time. I especially hate waking up to hear the call for this game come from right above my head.

– Humpback Whale. This is similar to extreme “guys” fight club except the prone adult is supposed to pretend to be a humpback whale as the perp participant dives with a stuffed orca in hand. Sometime “go deggo go rescue da whale” is shouted during this game.

– Champion. This is a particularly unpleasant game in which the “champion” begins by bursting into the room (where the other player(s) may or may not be asleep) and hopping onto the bed screaming DANCE DANCE DANCE in a strangely horrified voice. The non-champs wake up to feel the “champion’ run across the bed repeatedly paying no heed to obstacles such as hair, faces and body parts. When the “champion” realizes he has achieved optimal disruption, he then chants “Me winned” over and over again while continuing to amass physical damage to the other players.

I know I should lock the bedroom door but then Id also miss out on the chance to play “scientist says”. That phrase alone was worth all the bruised tender fleshy parts….


Insomniacal Mind Wandering.

December 9, 2008

Well friends, I slept for 2.5 hours last night so you know what that means! Another exciting edition of crse’s insomnia thinking!

1. Staple removers are pretty darn amazing when you think about it. I could say more….but I don’t want to take anything from you gentle readers. Go ahead, just take a minute and think about the staple remover….pretty darn amazing eh?

2. Arrogant people piss me off. I mean really piss me off. This dwelling was based on an experience last night in which my integrity was questioned (ok perhaps that’s a bit dramatic, but the identified behavior was notably dickish) by an arrogant person. Who was drunk. Can I just add that as a rule? One’s position on the high horse is diminished notably when one use the c word to a professional regarding another professional. (No he did not mean “c is for crse”, but fortunately nor did he direct the word at me personally)

3. I really hate plot holes. And false set ups in my shows. Like when someone is foreshadowed to be a complete psycho (or at least really interesting) and they end up getting killed. Or worse, being a “good” person.

4. If Chinese restaurants didn’t have unappetizing seafood items located in alarming places throughout the buffets (e.g. some chewed up looking spew stuffed into clam shells between the strawberry bananas and the lime jello) I would not be so resistant to them. Oh and if they didn’t have a funky smell and if it wasn’t against the restaurant code to be polite to patrons. That might help too….

5. Did I chase away the guest(s) of honor from our party last week with my drunken rant about gimp awareness?

6. Im so thrilled that the Turnip finally proposed! (did I mention?) Ive waited a year for this. Just think, only a month ago he was calling hugs and kisses “mean and wude and nasty nasty nasty” and then out of the blue on Sunday, he tells the family he wants to marry me! Don’t you judge me people. He has a future therapy savings account.

7. Ben 10’s grandpa is kind of a passive-aggressive dick about food prep, I think. Seriously, he is at least 60 and these are his grandkids right? So why does he insist on acting like live squid is ok to serve? They are like 12 years old you selfish ass. Would it kill you to grab some tofudogs?

Yeah, I went with the numbered format this time. I like to shake it up for you folks every once in a while. You’re welcome….


A Crse Of The People

November 24, 2008

I can ignore my (two) fans no longer, so in lieu of the horribly late crsees, I will offer you some random shit until I can get a double crsee feature together (oh and I do have some really good ones saved up friends…)

Warning: Body elimination issues ahead:

– The foster dog is gone. I haven’t given many details about how the foster dog has been disrupting our world because we love the foster dog’s mom and although Im fairly certain she doesn’t read the blog, she has the address and I don’t want to make her cry. But yeah, it sucked. He peed a lot of places. Like on laundry. And in bins of toys. And on coats. He ate chickens off the stove. He stood on the end tables so he could look out the window. He ass-raped George. (note to luckybuzz and the wimmin: Seriously? Who knew that this particular disclosure was going to stop conversation like it did?) In short, we are starting to live again.

– Turnip unfortunately appears to feel the need to compensate for the lack of randomly placed waste elimination today. He started the morning by standing naked in the middle of the kitchen and peeing under the table. I want to describe the scene as it unfolded but it really defies verbal descriptions. I was naively positive about the outcome of this event a) because turnip was really disturbed about the fact that he did this (as opposed to his general “ill pee where i want when i want motherfuckers” attitude) and b) because gill bought a gallon of sanitizer and left it in a conveniently located place allowing for ease of mind in clean up process. (can we get a whoop whoop for gill here? especially since im going to make politely ask him to mop the kitchen over again tonight?)

– Why was it naive? Because a few hours later, the boys (yes Norm is home. Again. He was coughing up lungs last night and this am.) were in the tub and Norm got out to poop. He called me to tell me he didn’t know what to do because his hands were wet and he couldn’t wipe (He gets those problem solving skills from me…hehehe). As I was helping him dry his hands, Turnip tells me that he pooped and is soaking wet too. (Did I mention he was in the tub?) Now friends, I don’t know what possesses me to do this sort of thing but I actually stood there and argued with him for at least a minute. noooo you didn’t poop! You’re just pretending right? “Nope, me pooped mom” No you didn’t buddy, you just heard your brother say that right? “Nope mom, me did it meself”. When did you do this buddy? A while ago? Maybe another time? “Nope me just did it. see?” (question to other parents: are all three year olds this comfortable with handling their own feces? Im just wondering if we might have an issue on our hands) (no pun intended).

So friends, it is the end of the month. I have reports due and a Very. Ugly. Meeting. tomorrow at 1pm so I am going to wade through some metaphorical shit now but promise good things (and to get to my own comments and your blogs) soon….


Lessons Learned

November 19, 2008

– Gill is gone. He has been gone for about 31 hours. He is in some godforsaken place in upstate New York called Horseheads. (no offense to its inhabitants Go Blue Raiders!). I have no idea what the hell he’s doing there. He’s explained it several times but seriously friends, he could be telling me he was getting hourly blow-jobs from the horseheads themselves, and if he threw in enough computer jargon, pretty much all he’d get out of me would be “so when do you think you’ll be done?” and “is the cable good in the hotel?” He plans on coming home Thursday night.

-I made a rookie mistake tonight. I took the boys shopping after I picked them up from the sitter’s. For those of you who are not familiar with this mistake, my error can best be explained by referencing the movie “Gremlins”. After picking them up, you can generally take them out to dinner, or to your parents’ house, or spend a lovely evening at home and they will stay mogwai (for the most part anyway). But allowing them to detect the slightest indication that you have an agenda for the evening? Is like feeding them after midnight. Of course I know this. Ive known this since the early days. And any part of it that Id forgotten came crashing back to me when I was carrying the Turnip out of the grocery store after physically prying a pack of gum out of his hands while trying to explain the concept of shoplifting to him as he was screaming and kicking at me.

– I do not blame myself entirely for the other really big mistake I made today. Because friends, let’s get honest here. Most therapists will never find themselves in a house with a 19 year old bi-polar autistic girl trying to figure out how to untrap a bird stuck between window panes after flying through a gap at the top. Certainly, in retrospect, it doesn’t seem like the brightest idea for me to climb through the snowy overgrowth at the side of her house and tap on the window repeatedly yelling at the bird to “go up!”, but it really did seem like a viable option at the time. And yes, I probably did stall the process of solving the problem when I tried to break down the logic of me holding a towel behind her while she opened the screen enough to release the bird from the bottom (and just so you know, I did my “go down” tapping from the inside of the house). Still, despite the fact that my feet and legs were soaked and freezing for the next five hours for no reason other than Im a poor problem solver, I honestly felt like I participated in the circle of life when that little bird flew off into the world. Hakuna Matata friends. Hakuna Matata.


I LIVE

November 12, 2008

Ah friends, Ive been remiss. Again. I am ashamed to say that my plan to blog about the neighborhood where I grew up as part of a collaborative effort went to shit. I won’t go into details but Im covered in chocolate right now because I make really bad decisions (surprisingly this doesn’t have anything to do with my children). I don’t have much tonight but Ill share something Ive found sort of disturbing lately.

Some of you may remember back when I stupidly looked forward to the time when my children could play together. Well friends, they can definitely play together now. One of their favorite games is for Norm to pretend to be a zombie/ghost/monster etc and chase the turnip down the hallway. The turnip proceeds to run into my room (generally while Im trying to nap or sleep in or talk on the phone) and slam the door and lock it. At this point, Norm starts knocking of course, begging his brother to let him in. The turnip becomes hysterically giddy about this and shouts things like “little pig little pig let me in” while laughing maniacally. Now friends, I know he is only three but he sounds exactly how one would imagine a violently delusional hostage taker sounding during the break down of a tense negotiation process. Im taking comfort in seeing that he does not usually behave violently in conjunction with the maniacal screaming. Still, I worry about the fact that all Norm has to do is say in a cajoling voice “Turnip, I have something to show you”, and Turnip will open the door. Norm never has anything but can do it every five minutes and the turnip still falls for it. Norm actually says to him now “I can’t believe you fell for that again!”. Sure I laugh at him along with the rest of the family but eventually, the turnip is going to get pissed. And god help us all when he does.


Trying To Come Together At The Seams

November 3, 2008

Framing it all in a positive way, right? That would be my theme for November. Starting today. Anyway, as loyal readers may have noticed, I kind of fell apart blog-wise last week. I could make a bunch of excuses but really, aren’t we better than that friends? Intstead, let’s move forward. I don’t have anything concrete really but here at the crseum we are about baby steps and so find no shame in resorting to slashes of randomosity. And so it begins:

– I am fully aware that the oddities found in Dora The Explorer could support its own blog. However, i am most troubled by the fact that every single episode involving Dora facing a nemesis resolves itself with villain redemption. I am not generalizing. I have never in six years seen a villain stay evil. The witch promises to be “friends”. The dog-catcher gets bored and decides to follow a new dream. The crazy bee queen is so happy from the music, she decides not to be crazy anymore. The list goes on. Now friends, Im all about human redemption. But seriously? Dora never runs into anyone who stays an asshole? Not only do I find this hard to believe but it’s also extremely troublesome in terms of the lessons it teaches my children. I feel it’s my duty as a parent to make sure my children are well-rounded in their understanding of human jackassery. I do my best to teach them that people can be dickwads. I try to point out human shittiness whenever we see it. How, then, do I explain Dora to them? When they look at me with hope shining on their faces because some hacked up Mexican Jack Frost decides not to be a shit smear, I have nothing. Sorry, this isn’t working in terms of my positive framing November plan. Let’s move on.

– I had an extremely interesting dream yesterday morning (which reminds me, let’s take a second to shout out to the time change! Whoohoo….). Norm had a birthday party yesterday afternoon and we needed to get his present (that part of the dream was true actually). For some reason, John McCain was part of my family and was going to take him to the party. So McCain was at my house but kept getting calls so he couldn’t get ready. He was wandering around the house on the phone wearing dress pants and a t-shirt. The whole dream was me being anxious because Norm was getting later and later and not wanting to interrupt the guy because after all, he’s running for president right? So I find something to give the birthday kid and get everyone in the car. I wake up feeling resolved. Even better? Norm had plenty of time not to lean on some random Puppy Divas I found in a bag as a forgotten part of someone else’s gift.

– This leads me to my next point. I don’t expect this to be very popular with my readership but I feel the need to keep the blog clean and honest. I know Ive alluded to this before but I want to be clear. I really think John McCain is a funny guy. I know he has a rage problem and I totally am not saying it’s ok for a middle aged/older man to call his wife the c word (I don’t say old because if I recall this was several years ago right?) But, well, my own grandpa was pretty damn crazy to my grammy but he was always good to us. Also, please don’t think this means Id vote for him. Folks, I think you all know Im really really liberal. Like socialist liberal. I do not agree with or support republican policies. Most importantly I am broke. I can’t afford to wait for the wealth to trickle down. Im more apt to believe as a broke person it will trickle up. (e.g. if you give me more money I spend it on things that big businesses want me to spend it on. Everyone wins.) (Well everyone except my children at some point in the future when they need college money and such but hell, no matter who’s president that will most likely be problematic) Im just saying when it comes to presidential candidates Id like to have a beer with, he’s up there friends. He is up there.

– Have you watched the Vote Pretty video? Have you voted today? Oh yes I am re-embedding.