Things I’ve Learned This Week

December 16, 2008

– If I fall asleep with CSPAN on, I have hot politically charged sex dreams. If I fall asleep to the History Channel, I dream about being socially “stuck” spending time with a lunatic who is pressuring me into buying the “state” coins. The worst part of last night’s dream involved Gill offering to buy half the states and a storage box to shut the guy up while I frantically (but unsuccessfully) tried to signal him not to make the purchase.

– Apparently, our “village” has a leaf law. (Is anybody surprised that we were found in violation of said law?) I still don’t understand what bad choices I made in life that got me to the point where I live in a place that is pretentious enough both to call itself a “village” and to have a leaf law.

-Speaking of bad choices, may I mention that I just got schooled by my six year old? When I referred to his classmate as a pain in the ass he agreed but then added, “Maybe instead of that you could say bohookey or hindquarters”.

– Turns out fathead.com is not a gag after all. It is a genuine company that sells life size wall stickies. I’m a little pissed because it does seem to be gender biased. I did find a life sized Zac Efron however. No need to judge friends. Remember our talk about the difference between embarrassing and illegal? In real life he’s 21.

Well friends, that’s all I got this morning. Except a notice that I’m changing the format of the Crsees. From now on, in hopes of alleviating some of the brutal competition that’s been surrounding the event, I’m just adding random Crsees to the bottom of my posts. Today’s random Crsee?

The “If I Lived An Alternate Life” site: Jackassletters.com is living the crseum dream. Friends, he wrote a letter to toys r us requesting “Adults Only” night. Now that, gentle readers, is Pure Crsee.

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The Crsees

November 14, 2008

Wow, where did the week go? I posted one lousy time this week. On a positive note, Ive got a whole new set of crsees to award this week. And look at this fabulous red carpet. Plunging necklines. Bad haircuts. “Hey George Segal is that your mother? ohhhh sorry….how long have you been married?” (my all time FAVORITE JOAN RIVERS MOMENT). On to the crsees.

The most awkward conversational moment of the week: MEEEEE!!! (is anyone surprised?) Me: How is your grandma doing? Client: Um she died yesterday.

Worst restaurant experience: Lazy eyed limping server with attitude who refused to make contact with either eye. Dude, Im good at the lazy eye-eye contact problem. You weren’t even trying. Plus my french fries were not only cold? They were old and cold. The potatoes had reformed into clumps and if I touch them and they are cold to the touch? That means they are below room temperature and I don’t even want to contemplate how they got below room temperature.

Biggest happy surprise: Phone call from same principal (dare I say we have a back to back winner?) who caused such anxiety last week telling me how pleased she was that everything had worked out.

Most disturbing realization about placement of my “bitching” services (“bitching” in the “I am her bitch” sense as opposed to “the act of bitching”: (another back to back winner!) Shakes! Apparently we are upping the ante to phone messages about gun safety situations. Your world scares me Shakes. Please hold me.

Best statement about this incident: Madame Fabu- “Come on in and sit down! Now tell me all about [jimmy] and guns!”

Best anniversary card: From Moe: Moe’s shared my marital adventure since day one. It’s been a much better trip with you on board baby.
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Finally—LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD- If I had the where withall Id present you with a montage of the past 14 years. Maybe we will plan that for next year. (Drum roll please) GILL-SMOKE!!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY!!!! Id do it all over again.