What doesn’t kill us….

December 10, 2008

Bedtime games I never wanted to play:

– Extreme “guys” fight club. (For those not schooled in our newfound family past time, the only way I know to describe “guys” is to ask you to imagine playing “house” with any number of assorted creatures or animals the turnip can gather into his “family of friends”.) This particular version of the game involves standing over prone adult and screaming “fight” with the creature of choice in hand and then jumping into the air and diving onto said prone adult.

– Group family pile time. I especially hate waking up to hear the call for this game come from right above my head.

– Humpback Whale. This is similar to extreme “guys” fight club except the prone adult is supposed to pretend to be a humpback whale as the perp participant dives with a stuffed orca in hand. Sometime “go deggo go rescue da whale” is shouted during this game.

– Champion. This is a particularly unpleasant game in which the “champion” begins by bursting into the room (where the other player(s) may or may not be asleep) and hopping onto the bed screaming DANCE DANCE DANCE in a strangely horrified voice. The non-champs wake up to feel the “champion’ run across the bed repeatedly paying no heed to obstacles such as hair, faces and body parts. When the “champion” realizes he has achieved optimal disruption, he then chants “Me winned” over and over again while continuing to amass physical damage to the other players.

I know I should lock the bedroom door but then Id also miss out on the chance to play “scientist says”. That phrase alone was worth all the bruised tender fleshy parts….


Insomniacal Mind Wandering.

December 9, 2008

Well friends, I slept for 2.5 hours last night so you know what that means! Another exciting edition of crse’s insomnia thinking!

1. Staple removers are pretty darn amazing when you think about it. I could say more….but I don’t want to take anything from you gentle readers. Go ahead, just take a minute and think about the staple remover….pretty darn amazing eh?

2. Arrogant people piss me off. I mean really piss me off. This dwelling was based on an experience last night in which my integrity was questioned (ok perhaps that’s a bit dramatic, but the identified behavior was notably dickish) by an arrogant person. Who was drunk. Can I just add that as a rule? One’s position on the high horse is diminished notably when one use the c word to a professional regarding another professional. (No he did not mean “c is for crse”, but fortunately nor did he direct the word at me personally)

3. I really hate plot holes. And false set ups in my shows. Like when someone is foreshadowed to be a complete psycho (or at least really interesting) and they end up getting killed. Or worse, being a “good” person.

4. If Chinese restaurants didn’t have unappetizing seafood items located in alarming places throughout the buffets (e.g. some chewed up looking spew stuffed into clam shells between the strawberry bananas and the lime jello) I would not be so resistant to them. Oh and if they didn’t have a funky smell and if it wasn’t against the restaurant code to be polite to patrons. That might help too….

5. Did I chase away the guest(s) of honor from our party last week with my drunken rant about gimp awareness?

6. Im so thrilled that the Turnip finally proposed! (did I mention?) Ive waited a year for this. Just think, only a month ago he was calling hugs and kisses “mean and wude and nasty nasty nasty” and then out of the blue on Sunday, he tells the family he wants to marry me! Don’t you judge me people. He has a future therapy savings account.

7. Ben 10’s grandpa is kind of a passive-aggressive dick about food prep, I think. Seriously, he is at least 60 and these are his grandkids right? So why does he insist on acting like live squid is ok to serve? They are like 12 years old you selfish ass. Would it kill you to grab some tofudogs?

Yeah, I went with the numbered format this time. I like to shake it up for you folks every once in a while. You’re welcome….


December 8, 2008

So we had the official ugly season kickoff on friday. Because readers have been mentioning how confusing my cast of characters can get and because Im fairly certain folks want to remain anonymous, I won’t name my co-conspirators in ugliness. I will say that furniture was broken, puking happened and confessions were abound. (Note to self: In the future, I will remember that “never have I ever” is simply a drinking game and not a legal proceeding with penalties of perjury on the line if I don’t admit every major felony or sexual peccadillo to the group). Still our hosts lived up to their reputation of throwing the best parties in the tri-state area. It was truly like a “hall of fame game” kick off to the season.

Why do you call it the “ugly season” crse? Friends sometimes ask. Well, that’s a lie. Most of my friends have been victimized by my ugly season enough not to have to ask. Unfortunately. While I am proud to say that I myself did not break furniture (I don’t think) or puke (although I wish I had), it did indeed get ugly. And remained ugly. To the point that Ive eaten little more than handfuls of nuts and candy all weekend long because I barely got out of bed until this morning. (In my defense, I spent most of saturday with my throat almost swollen shut and was convinced I had strep until it got better on its own) And now have a sore back. Which means i am struggling to wipe my ass when I poop. Which is of course…ugly. The bright side of this is that I didn’t poop all weekend long because of above mentioned diet. (Speaking of poop, did I mention my friend has a new blog? It’s called poodiaries and makes me laugh hysterically. You have to scroll down to see the newer stuff. She is struggling with the weebles site.) And since we are being positive, the bright side of the poop wipe struggle is that I got my first shower all weekend too. Ugly? I call this win-win friends!

Anyway, the season will continue this weekend although I hope to blog before then. (Im trying to be a better blogizen friends). But I do have an announcement. If you are in my town and were extremely crushed by the fact that you won’t get to see How The Drag Queen Stole Christmas, they’ve added an extra show!
In fact,to quote Dennick directly, you may want to attend “even if you’ve already seen this year’s show. You NEVER KNOW what’s going to come out of these queens mouths after midnight…or what will go in.” Of course, you need to make reservations so go here for more information.

Live Blog From The Christmas Drag Show Preview

December 5, 2008

Because is there anything that signifies a Crse return to the blogosphere like a live-blog of “How The Drag Queen Stole Christmas” which premieres right here in my home town? I think not friends. I think not. It’s mostly sold out but if you feel real real lucky? Call the reservation line and see if they can set you up.

I admit, I probably entered tonight with a bit of bias. My good friend Dennick wrote and directed the show and because I think he is funny and talented, I knew the show would be top-notch. (This despite hearing of the travails of a tortured director for a few weeks. In true theatrical fashion, Dennick would end his tales with his usual humor “It will be fine, though. It will be like the magic of theater and the magic of Christmas get together and have a baby!”)

Well friends, this is only my second foray into the preview night live-blogging, but lemme just tell ya, the two experiences couldn’t be more different. NOTLD (the halloween show) was a tense silent affair that Dennick warned me direly to be punctual for. When I arrived for that show, the lobby was mostly empty and the atmosphere was quietly eerie.

I arrived tonight to lots of cheerful people running around in lingerie. Lucy is in the midst of it all, making baskets for the event’s chinese auction. Laughter echoes through the old theater and even though the show hasn’t begun yet, the comic timing of this group is already evident….

“Yeah I didn’t even lie to the clerk. I told her they were for me” Says Murad, Brooke’s boyfriend, who is a bearded young man with a football playerish build. Upon seeing Brooke, his face lit up and he showed off his prize “Look honey! I got buy three get one free! Now I have fresh panty-hose for every show!”

“Don’t blog about my underpants outfit, Im very insecure!” Says Buff during the soundcheck (She actually looks like a slutty little red riding hood without the hood. Its very hot and Christmasy all at once)
“Get your own bitch” Says Maxine Factor (oh yes she is back friends. And strutting around all hot in her lingerie.) (My new friend Danielle just observed that she is either talking about lipstick, wigs, or pantyhose) “You are a damn racist” we hear Maxine yell from the dressing room a few seconds later.
“It’s ok Rochelle, don’t hate……” she breaks into a chant “Don’t hate….reciprocate” Says Brooke/Sarah Palin.
“Oh my God, I think Sarah Palin just went ghetto” says Danielle’s husband Adam.

I had assumed the preview (although not formally announced) would begin at 8. It is now 947pm and the pre-show music is on. Dennick just came out to welcome us and said he would see us after the show. “Unless you just run out in the middle because it’s too awkward to face me afterward” he joked.
We laughed. A pause. Adam mutters to Danielle “Oh great now we have to stay for the whole thing or he’s gonna think we hate it”. I should mention that Adam and Danielle are my preview buddies as Ive coincidentally managed to sit near them at two other performances and we’ve now bonded. They are like a young attractive version of Statler and Waldorf from the muppets.

The show begins with a hilariously nasty monologue from Sarah Palin. Like most Christmas shows, the opening number is a chorus line of scantily clad women and drag queens singing “lady marmalade”. Starlett O’Hara then takes over the stage with a torch song solo.
“My husband may never want to have sex again” Danielle leans forward and whispers.

Maxine has better legs than I do. It’s kind of intimidating. Lucy credits her support hose. I really don’t care if she is lying. The story unfolds. It’s a sad story. Starlett is a lost soul. With a missing conjoined twin.
You know how when your friends do something and you really want it to be good but you are terrified it won’t be? Well happily this is not one of those times. This is fricking hilarious. It’s a musical drag queen christmas carol…. Friends, the cameos. The one-liners. The continuous scatalogical/gallows/purely nasty humor….(think way bluer than Lenny Bruce).

I want to tell you everything but at the same time, I don’t want to ruin the show for anyone (as it’s just much funnier in person). What I will say is this. This show is what people mean when they talk about the magic of live theater. The cast has a chemistry that is palpable and inviting. The writing is brilliant and the comic timing is genius. But it was more than that. Without revealing details, there are two ensemble musical numbers near the end of the show. In both cases, I became teary as I looked at the faces of these characters and stopped seeing the actors. (Ok this is totally corny I know) Every single one of them seemed to be glowing. It truly was like Dennick’s magical baby. It pretty much defies description altogether, in fact, but it’s what we look for in all of our plays and shows and movies. It’s our chance to touch magic, even if it’s only for a little while.

Friends, I promise Im going to be better about blogging. I really did feel inspired by tonight so Im hoping it means the start of a new creative phase. To keep you coming back, I promise you pictures of Maxine Factor in lingerie when I go see the final performance of the show on the 13th. Until then, remember…the ugly season has officially begun.

Treading Water Me-Me

November 25, 2008

Hey folks, I have no business being on here right now because of the crap I have to do but my fabulous friend Laura tagged me for my very first facebook me-me and since I have no impulse control why not right?
Here is the only thing. I don’t think I have 16 blogging readers and I hate to obligate folks with tags so Im only tagging on facebook. (dammit people i get enough green patches and sea garden shit that these people owe me..)

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I was the third grade hula hoop champ. (yeah that’s right…smoke it bitches!)
2. My first car was a beat up buick skylark with gray primer patches. My friends called it “spot”.
3. Im not great with money but at times Im kind of cheap. I do like to splurge on good bath products and my conditioners are always ridiculously expensive (I don’t think you would be able to tell this by looking at my hair though)
4. Ive been carrying a beat up spiderman book bag around as a computer case for the past few months. Some folks think it’s a status symbol but it’s actually been a perfect solution to my computer transport issues.
5. Ive had several nicknames including cricky, crispy, cree, and my “favorite”- Pissy Crse. (Thanks Laura for the inspiration on that one!)
6. I don’t support the death penalty for many reasons also because if someone hurt my family, I would probably want to kill them myself.
7. Im starting to understand that Im addicted to the rushes that go along with procrastination.
8. Im surprisingly phone-phobic.
9. I am unrealistically unafraid of speaking in front of people. I say unrealistically because I have little if any public speaking skills. I am however, extremely secure with making a buffoon of myself in front of people. I see this as a strength.
10. I have difficulty committing to hobbies. (This blog is the most “successful” hobby Ive ever had in that Ive maintained it for two years. Im kind of proud of that)
11. I don’t mind if my kids aren’t smart but I worry a lot about them being kind,confident, responsible and happy. I would be extremely proud to raise kind, confident, responsible and happy house-keepers/stay at home dads (if they want kids)/mates or whatever they want.
12. I am sometimes awed by how lucky I am in terms of my support system. I have the most amazing family and friends imaginable. Even my work people are amazing. I mean truly truly amazing (and Im not just saying that because they read this! You all rock!).
13. Everyone thought I was going to be a writer when I grew up. Being a therapist was my “dream” but I thought all of the “awful” stuff would be too much for me. Ha. I had no idea what “awful” was back then!
14. This past Sunday will probably go down as one of the best days of my life (although I secretly hope we have enough of these sundays that I can’t tell them apart).
15. Ive never loved, been in love with, wanted to love or probably will love another (not birthed from me) person as much as Gill.
16. I never give up hope that one day Im going to get all my shit together and everything will fall into place.

Ok on to the facebook tag!

A Crse Of The People

November 24, 2008

I can ignore my (two) fans no longer, so in lieu of the horribly late crsees, I will offer you some random shit until I can get a double crsee feature together (oh and I do have some really good ones saved up friends…)

Warning: Body elimination issues ahead:

– The foster dog is gone. I haven’t given many details about how the foster dog has been disrupting our world because we love the foster dog’s mom and although Im fairly certain she doesn’t read the blog, she has the address and I don’t want to make her cry. But yeah, it sucked. He peed a lot of places. Like on laundry. And in bins of toys. And on coats. He ate chickens off the stove. He stood on the end tables so he could look out the window. He ass-raped George. (note to luckybuzz and the wimmin: Seriously? Who knew that this particular disclosure was going to stop conversation like it did?) In short, we are starting to live again.

– Turnip unfortunately appears to feel the need to compensate for the lack of randomly placed waste elimination today. He started the morning by standing naked in the middle of the kitchen and peeing under the table. I want to describe the scene as it unfolded but it really defies verbal descriptions. I was naively positive about the outcome of this event a) because turnip was really disturbed about the fact that he did this (as opposed to his general “ill pee where i want when i want motherfuckers” attitude) and b) because gill bought a gallon of sanitizer and left it in a conveniently located place allowing for ease of mind in clean up process. (can we get a whoop whoop for gill here? especially since im going to make politely ask him to mop the kitchen over again tonight?)

– Why was it naive? Because a few hours later, the boys (yes Norm is home. Again. He was coughing up lungs last night and this am.) were in the tub and Norm got out to poop. He called me to tell me he didn’t know what to do because his hands were wet and he couldn’t wipe (He gets those problem solving skills from me…hehehe). As I was helping him dry his hands, Turnip tells me that he pooped and is soaking wet too. (Did I mention he was in the tub?) Now friends, I don’t know what possesses me to do this sort of thing but I actually stood there and argued with him for at least a minute. noooo you didn’t poop! You’re just pretending right? “Nope, me pooped mom” No you didn’t buddy, you just heard your brother say that right? “Nope mom, me did it meself”. When did you do this buddy? A while ago? Maybe another time? “Nope me just did it. see?” (question to other parents: are all three year olds this comfortable with handling their own feces? Im just wondering if we might have an issue on our hands) (no pun intended).

So friends, it is the end of the month. I have reports due and a Very. Ugly. Meeting. tomorrow at 1pm so I am going to wade through some metaphorical shit now but promise good things (and to get to my own comments and your blogs) soon….

Lessons Learned

November 19, 2008

– Gill is gone. He has been gone for about 31 hours. He is in some godforsaken place in upstate New York called Horseheads. (no offense to its inhabitants Go Blue Raiders!). I have no idea what the hell he’s doing there. He’s explained it several times but seriously friends, he could be telling me he was getting hourly blow-jobs from the horseheads themselves, and if he threw in enough computer jargon, pretty much all he’d get out of me would be “so when do you think you’ll be done?” and “is the cable good in the hotel?” He plans on coming home Thursday night.

-I made a rookie mistake tonight. I took the boys shopping after I picked them up from the sitter’s. For those of you who are not familiar with this mistake, my error can best be explained by referencing the movie “Gremlins”. After picking them up, you can generally take them out to dinner, or to your parents’ house, or spend a lovely evening at home and they will stay mogwai (for the most part anyway). But allowing them to detect the slightest indication that you have an agenda for the evening? Is like feeding them after midnight. Of course I know this. Ive known this since the early days. And any part of it that Id forgotten came crashing back to me when I was carrying the Turnip out of the grocery store after physically prying a pack of gum out of his hands while trying to explain the concept of shoplifting to him as he was screaming and kicking at me.

– I do not blame myself entirely for the other really big mistake I made today. Because friends, let’s get honest here. Most therapists will never find themselves in a house with a 19 year old bi-polar autistic girl trying to figure out how to untrap a bird stuck between window panes after flying through a gap at the top. Certainly, in retrospect, it doesn’t seem like the brightest idea for me to climb through the snowy overgrowth at the side of her house and tap on the window repeatedly yelling at the bird to “go up!”, but it really did seem like a viable option at the time. And yes, I probably did stall the process of solving the problem when I tried to break down the logic of me holding a towel behind her while she opened the screen enough to release the bird from the bottom (and just so you know, I did my “go down” tapping from the inside of the house). Still, despite the fact that my feet and legs were soaked and freezing for the next five hours for no reason other than Im a poor problem solver, I honestly felt like I participated in the circle of life when that little bird flew off into the world. Hakuna Matata friends. Hakuna Matata.