Because it’s been such a long time….
Ok technically bile does not rise in my throat but 13 things that annoy me was so overdone (well at least by me), I thought Id shake it up a bit.
1) Full House– (Which actually inspired this blog). I just sat through 20 minutes of this “sit-pain” while trying to gather some literature for the rescheduled teen lesbian couples counseling session. Generally, the kids programming does not even register in my brain. This show is so hideously unfunny that I really think some sort of extortion had to be involved in allowing this show on television. I feel like I understand the Olsen twins on a whole new level now. If my formative years were documented in such an thorough yet painfully unflattering way, I would have been dead of a heroin overdose YEARS before my 21st birthday.
2) Cold spaghetti– The turnip just walked over asking me to open a tupperware bowl full of cold spaghetti. I pretended that it was old and covered in gross fur so he was afraid to open it. I kind of feel bad that I also inadvertently dragged Norm into the deception and he is now afraid to open the bowl.
3) Financial woes-Nuff said.
4) Kumquats– Yikes. My success in trying new things came to a crashing halt with these sour little bastards.
5) Stupidity– Yeah I know. Because most people like stupidity. What I particularly hate about stupidity is when I spend way more time than necessary trying to communicate something should have never needed communicating in a way that someone who isn’t particularly bright will understand. Especially when the reason Im doing it is because of an action of the not particularly bright person.
6) Being cynical ok I don’t mind being cynical but Im running out of things and I still have seven to go. Still, I will NOT cynically observe that much of my job involves number 5. I will say it USED to involve number 5 but things are going to be different now. I believe.
7) Corporate mistakes Everyone makes mistakes. I am down with that. But when I have to spend an HOUR trying to explain why Im not going to pay the 300 dollar mistake you made on my bill, shouldn’t I be compensated for my time? When Im supreme dictator friends, I promise things will be different…
8) “Turnip press buttons” The bile that rises in my throat is definitely fear motivated on that one.
9) Losing the Remote See number one.
10) What happens to a pool after three weeks of neglect– Oh friends. I won’t go into detail but as I was out there following Madame Fabu’s back alley approach to chemically treating pools last night, the au pair actually used the phrase mosquito larvae. That truly did cause the bile to rise.
Ok I ran out of bad so Im going to end with three things that make me smile.
11) Watching turnip put play-doh in his pocket– He is just so pleased with himself. After spending so much time denying him his desires because of limitations involving physics and/or the legal system, I will gladly (allow gill to) scrape up play-doh from hard to reach places just to see the smile on his face.
12) Norm’s approach to dog care– He is so earnest and responsible. And such a fabulous train wreck to watch. My kids are so awesome.
13) Not having favorites– Because I really do love all my nieces and nephews to pieces. But the idea of my five year old niece being worried about getting lice from her cousin’s pillow has been making me giggle for the past fourteen hours. Seriously, I woke up from sleep giggling. Lucy, promise you won’t ever let me give her my life savings or kids’ college fund or anything just because she’s cute. Because Im afraid if she ever asked, Id be begging her to take it. Im so that kid’s bitch and she knows it.
Ok that’s all I got friends. Happy Almost Friday
The Crseum: Spidermonkeys In Repose 
Full House also has the dubious distinction of being the only show that made John Stamos look unsexy. A neutered llama could have played Uncle [???] with more steam. Stamos is up to the job…I blame the writing and directing. Did you notice that most people ignore Full House when referring to Stamos? He was on that show for what, 17 years, and I’m still more likely to refer to him as Blackie, even though he was only on General Hospital for about five days. I even endured an extra season of ER for him. Wow, did my comment just become so not about you and all about my now-not-so-hidden sexual attraction to John Stamos?
Yes, Gwennie is that cute; that’s why she gets away with so much. Getting by on her looks, kinda like John Stamos 😉
But Full House is the show that launched the Olsen Twins! So, it does have at least one redeeming quality right?
Being Cynical made the list? Uh-oh! I’m in trouble then. 😉
It is my prerogative to debunk this Thursday 13.
1) Full House- This show featured someone with the same first name as me, and at least one reference to Ren and Stimpy, securing it for eternity as a show that will not make bile rise in my throat.
2) Cold spaghetti- The only time cold spaghetti is bad, is when the spaghetti was bad when it was hot, which is never, since spaghetti can do no wrong, unless we are talking spaghetti westerns, in which case the previous statement hold true.
3) Financial woes-A wonderful excuse to eat more ramen noodles and make self-assuring spreadsheets.
4) Kumquats- These have a name so easy to make fun of, the simple mention of them makes bile literally turtle back into my liver where it can giggle away.
5) Stupidity- Without stupidity there could be no Ask Dr. Stupid…
6) Being cynical – I think this is a typo, and you really mean being cyanide-ical, which is bad because cyanide is poison.
7) Corporate mistakes – When I am hungover my surefire cure is grilled cheese sandwiches. I also like to read about horribly corporate mistakes when I am not hungover.
8) “Turnip press buttons” I have no turnips, and parsnip can’t press buttons, so I am free and clear.
9) Losing the Remote – The key here is to not let the remote win. Remember you are the boss. I shunned my remotes out of my life.
10) What happens to a pool after three weeks of neglect- Nature triumphs and we all rejoice!
11) Watching turnip put play-doh in his pocket- This would make bile rise because I would be so hungry at the site of play doh and yet unable to eat it as it was being horded by someone else.
12) Norm’s approach to dog care- Dog Care rhymes with Dog Hair which reminds me of Hair Balls which make me want to vomit.
13) Not having favorites- The sheer uncertainty of no favorites causes me so much stress nothing can hold back the flood of bile, stomach acid and earth shattering screams the emanate from my being!*
*I don’t really have any favorites, except a favorite brand of brushes and paint.
I don’t understand what you mean by number 5. Could you explain that a little better next time? Thanks.
Lucy- Ok the most disturbing (but my absolute favorite) part of your comment is that you refer to him as Stamos. I do still see him as blackie too.
Jay- Seriously? You know what a freaking ray of sunshine I am. Your cynicism is ruining my rainbow poops.
Jesse- I should not be as impressed with your comment as I am. You are so next on my cage fight schedule.
Dexter- HAHAHA. Smack.
It’s the reporter in me, but he will always be Blackie….always.
When my mom was here, I found myself one afternoon watching an E! documentary about the making of Full House.
Let’s just take a second to let that sink in.
*shudder*
I hear ya, sister.
And yeah–he will always be Blackie to me too.