things making me uncomfortable today or crse’s post of very bad ideas

Oh friends. When do I learn to keep my fool mouth shut? For brevity’s sake, I will post this in dash form:

- Today I sent a lengthy email (and as many of you know, girlfriend loves her lengthy emails….) to the pompous HR guy and one of the hospital VPs. Yes it was professional and had the requisite care sandwiches. Still spent the day feeling quite sick to my stomach and panicked every time the phone rang.

-More than slightly unsettled due to a situation involving the unitarians and term “rainbow mafia”. (enjoy the term now as I plan on deleting it soon lest it a google search lead one of the principles to the blog). Yes friends, I do get it. Yes it’s kind of clever. But it’s really a bad bad idea. For so many reasons.

- Also facing related unpleasant emotional nausea regarding some interpersonal communication with one of the RM proponents. It appears she may have thought my attempt (in yes, you called it, another lengthy email) at making peace was a “come on”. The worst part? She shot me down. It was all very subtle but now Im trapped between “This is really awkward because I think you read me wrong” and “Why don’t you want to date me? Don’t you think Im pretty enough?”

- Planned a spa party. For tomorrow. Forgot to tell all but maybe five people. And then made plans with those five people to get together somewhere else. Told the spa lady I might cancel but then forgot all about it until she called tonight at 9pm. I suck.

…And Justice For All.

I pretty much abandoned the weekend in review part deux. Highlights are blurrier as the week wears on and all I really remember now is being drunk at the turnip’s 3rd birthday party and getting faced by my 75 year old uncle during a volleyball game at the family reunion (oh yeah, we still kicked ass!)

I do, however, have an update about the farmer’s market “mulberrygate”. After much discussion with my constituents today (read: my new vendor friends) it was decided that I should approach the powers that be, no. a power that bes? a power that is? ok fine, one of the guys in charge about the problems I mentioned regarding product safety and quality. He asked detailed questions. Yes I lied and pretended I was alone with the concern. (I couldn’t implicate my new friends. Dont judge me readers until you’ve held this kind of public position (what position is that you ask? um….Friendly Unitarian Woman With Literature? Hey Im a FUWWL!) With great power comes great responsibility. It’s really not about the fear of being cut off from the fountain of free samples and products. It’s about integrity. Or something else noble) He assured me that the issue would be addressed. Mission accomplished. Shiv-ass avoided. For now.

I must report that I paid for my misdealings by spending some time with my non-farmer friend Helen and her husband Lo. Don’t get me wrong, Helen and Lo are a delightful couple. The consequence was all about a lengthy confession and review of my sketchy eating habits and addiction to processed foods. (Here is a hint: if you don’t want to entangle yourself deeper into your web of lies after a backwards ass attempt to make things right in a potential botulism situation at the local farmer’s market? then don’t sit next to vegetarians who eat, shop and live responsibly. And if you are ok with keeping the lie alive? Try to refrain from eating your bag of chili cheese fritos and giant soda from sheetz while they are watching.) Helen told me about a book called “Chocolate on Trial”. Sadly, during the conversation we got hit by a big gust of wind and I had to chase some literature across the plaza so I did not hear how the trial ended. In my mind though, chocolate will always be innocent.

In other news, project big meat pales in comparison to this restaurant in my town Now, Ive never been there but Ive heard tell of this place before friends. If there is such a thing as meat heaven? Im guessing it’s this place. Realistically, I will probably never get my shit together enough to make it to the other side of town by 1215 on a saturday morning but just knowing it’s there makes me happy.

Weekend In Review

Oh Friends, it was a jam-packed one. Im going to offer brief high-lights.

Friday- Went to see Lucy’s husband (my step-brother Reg) in an extremely powerful play about the prison uprising in Lucasville, Ohio. Forgive my bragging but HE WAS PHENOMENAL. The play was PHENOMENAL. I saw the play in the spring when they weren’t “off the book” (a phrase I learned this weekend) and it was intense. Friday night though? It was off the hook amazing. Now friends, I don’t know much about this here play-actin’ stuff but I tell you I was immersed. I can’t offer an educated critique of anything technical, but I can tell you that the play was so good, that I did not engage in my usual m.o. of muttering comments to Gill all through any production. (although Lucy and I both agreed that it was probably a good thing she was not right next to me after she reached over to poke me when they said “shiv”. Neither of us have THAT much self-control.) The play is heading to NYC for the fringe fest. I know some of my readers hail from that area so if you’d be into that sort of thing, go check out the how-to details.

-Hooked up with a guy after the play who gave us a lead on our newest dream project of investing in a side of beef. (Not sure how we got to the “side of beef” conversation but why look a gift cow in the mouth right?) Now I am not sure what is entailed in this “side of beef” but he seems to believe that it’s definitely a group project. The fabus are committed. Stay tuned for project “big meat”.

Saturday- Farmer’s market. Damn do I love the farmer’s market. Brought the turnip (and honestly that’s as close as I got to actual produce this time) Aunt T did give him an apple but that was quickly replaced by cookies, banana bread and soda.

-Realized immediately much to my chagrin that we were placed next to the Asian cuisine lady. She is a delightful neighbor personally, but the smell my friends….it was hard not to suspect conspiracy among the powers that be.

- Also became aware that it took all of two farmer’s markets for me to be embroiled in a social-political morass among the vendors. Who really all are truly delightful people. And tend to give me free stuff across the board (I think it’s back-alley advertising as I then go share the free stuff with everyone i encounter and rave about it). The dark side of this can be traced directly back to what shall be referred to as “the mulberry incident”. I won’t go into details but I think I now understand what it’s like to be a political figure who receives seemingly innocent kickbacks from someone who turns out to be well…slightly suspect. Questions about canning practices and standards and quality of product have come to light. The good news is I have time to make this right due to the fact that the questionable party is off on a fact finding mission in Prague or tending the garden or something and won’t be at the market the next few weeks. Stay tuned for details. And GO TO THE FARMER’S MARKET real time friends! You won’t be sorry.

ok stay tuned for weekend review part deux as Im being overwhelmed with kitties that thanks to my cousin Larry are no longer imaginary (but at least are stuffed).

Fair and Balanced? Free and Breakfast.

Friends, it’s been a rough day. Im at the back end of nearly weeklong insomnia binge. Im completely over the edge/around the bend/teetering on the brink of insanity. (at least i hope im still on the brink.) Im not even sure Ive got pineapple to offer you but here is some shit about my day:

- Found out yesterday afternoon that I would be attending an employee meeting scheduled for 10am today. Apparently, it was to be an “open forum” for us all to explore the recent changes our department has experienced and explore the future of our program. (needless to say, I go to these forums just in case it’s code for “we are firing your sorry asses, but since you showed up, you can have coffee and bagels.” I figure if those bastards cut my job, I am definitely getting some free breakfast out of the deal.) Got there ten minutes late.

-Turns out the “forum” consisted of the human resource director of the hospital and the administrative director of all behavior health programs. The good news is that we did not get laid off. The bad news is that there were no refreshments whatsoever. Seriously guys? Im fairly certain you both pull down six figures a year, would it have killed you to stop and buy a box of munchkins?

-It became clear in less than ten minutes that the idea of the forum was not to take input from staff but to enable the whiniest and most toxic folks in our department to spew lies in a “safe and confidential manner”. It also became clear that any attempts to reframe their entitled accusations into solution focused points that included reason and accountability would be shot down by said human resources director, no matter how deeply these attempts were nestled inside the proverbial care sandwich.

- The forum which was the third and final meeting time in this “let’s hear the bitches whine and make them feel better about the fact that we all lost mileage because they drained the system dry through their abuses and now blame management for our collective misery” series of discussions had been opened up to the entire staff (of 100 people or more) was attended by six people. Now friends, when I describe this target audience this, bear in mind that (although i would easily shiv the crazy interrupting guy) I generally get along with the whiniest and most toxic folks just fine because I am simply too old, lazy and self absorbed to think it’s my job to make people realize they are assholes if Im pretty sure they aren’t interested in not being assholes anymore. (God help you though, if I think you have non-asshole potential. Ill make you miserable with my own special brand of unsolicited therapeutic bitch slapping in the spirit of the greater good) Still, before I realized what we were doing, I was feeling somewhat inspired to grab at the brass ring of solution focus.

- I hadn’t realized that the human resource director was not only going to stop me from getting that brass ring, he was also going to knock the whole damn carousel of balanced communication down to the asphalt (much like the climax in Hitchcock’s “Strangers on a Train”, Lucy? Larry? wrong movie?) which of course spurred the internal reasonable crse (seriously, there is a hidden reasonable crse. I try to keep her hidden on the blog for the sake of my readers) into a therapist speak version of “oh no you di’int mo-fo.”

-Sadly because reasonable crse was on the scene, i did not experience the release of being able to shiv his pompous ass (hey! I feel a secret identity super hero coming together here….by day, mild mannered blogger crse. By night, The Ass Shivver. No I don’t like that. How about She Who Shivs Asses. Facing arch enemies like Crazy Ass. Pompous Ass. Entitled Ass. Checkbook Stealing Ass….). Instead, I walked away sick to my stomach realizing my attempts to use metaphors and subtlety to communicate that he was being a patronizing dick instead of listening were successful in nothing else but proving that Im significantly smarter than the human resource director although i make less than half his salary. So much so that it was unanimously agreed that he missed every point I made but found me notably annoying. So that was all win-win.

- Good things happened today too. I opened the snack cabinet at work to find that our selection had almost tripled. Before I opened that door, I was just feeling grateful to have a snack cabinet in our new office. I felt truly blessed when I saw the snack bounty before me. (actually, i did emit a “holy shit” )

- Another good thing. Dave the computer guy ( new love of my life. Sorry Nick Burns Gill, Dave knows how to treat a woman with computer problems) turns out to be a little edgy. Edgy enough to synch my personal laptop up with the color printers in our office. He was also going to get me a tricked out version of office 2007 from his stash, but apparently had left it in his other bag. It’s ok dave. Ill wait for you. It will keep the mystery sweet between until you come back to me.

I think I may finally feel drowsy.

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Screw prominent researchers.

Fear mongers and rabble rousers is what they are. Just some more random shit

- Ive just recently noticed how funny CNN commercials are. Actually, I noticed this ten minutes ago when i heard the phrase, “Im going to beat him like a rented mule” during an e-trade commercial (at least i think that’s what it was).

- I also like CNN tonight because there is a report on “bush meat” and I can chuckle and say “he said bush meat” to the sleeping turnip.

- Nothing makes me realize how much I love my friends like a night out. Because we bond? yes. Because we are amazing beautiful wimmin? Yes. But also because conversations include tidbits like “well she claims I was so drunk I tried to make out with the dog” and that while we would set ourselves on fire for each other, we scatter like amoral cockroaches when the crazy chick who’s been banned from our circle several times crashes our party.

-I realize my enjoyment is colored by the fact that I ended up on the winning side of that scatter, but I find it especially endearing when Im walking out of the bar with people I adore (specifically one of my oldest and most beloved friends) after dodging an ugly side drama with said crazy chick and I get a bitter voicemail from one of the losers of the scatter that includes several “fucks” and ends with “I hate you”. My friends are so awesome.

-Which leads me to the next reason I love us even though we might be ..well…assholes. Because the aforementioned “dog making out” comment came from one of us, nobody judged. Instead a debate about exactly what crosses the line in terms of dog frenching took place as well as discussion about how seductive our dogs can be (which begged the question, if your dog does seduce you when you’re drunk is it date rape?). (that’s not the asshole part, although it admittedly upon reflection sounds way more disturbing than it did saturday night). But earlier in the evening when crazy chick related that the last time she drank tequila, she woke up naked on a futon and was certain she’d been “violated” and had no idea how she got there, an awkward silence filled the room and we all exchanged annoyed looks. (In our defense, there was an 80% chance she was lying) (well…80% is conservative).

-Wow, my slashes are kind of flowing together tonight! I was talking with Lucy tonight after a church event and as she was reviewing the evening, I had a realization. It suddenly occurred to me that when it comes to some kinds of behaviors I cut the people I know/like/feel neutral about a LOT of slack. More slack than probably should be cut. I mean to the point where people who love me like my cousin Larry will say to me “Crse, open your damn eyes, this person is throwing you under the bus!” (although she actually doesn’t say that, she is more likely to quietly whisper “you know you got thrown under a bus right honey?” or “I will make you pay for throwing my cousin under a bus”) and Im like “Oh no, Im sure they only threw me under there because they really needed to get across the street and I was in the way” . But let the possibly brain damaged diabetic one-legged guy who I generally bring diet soda to during events cut me off after the moderator called on me? and Im ready to shiv his crazy ass. Do I mind that he never says thank you for the soda and has been a dick to me since he met me? Oh hell no. Im all like “he likes his diet soda and well, I don’t mind if he doesn’t like me. I respect his dignity” But cut me off motherfucker? YOUR NAME IS NOT CRSE AND THE MODERATOR CLEARLY SAID CRSE! Pop-time’s over grampa stumpy. I’m gonna mess your shit up now. (ok I didn’t go so far as to shiv his ass but I did bitch at length to lucy about it during her (much more thoughtful) review of the event) Maybe this is why i ended up with a bunch of date-raped dog tongue lickers for friends.

Edited to add: The most beautiful part of the dog “love” story is that my friend who told the story sent an email basically asking when the conversation happened and who it was because the “same damn thing” happened to her. How much do I love my friends? That much.

Sleep deprived Saturday morning

You want to play a game kids? Ok fine. Let’s play “protestant funeral”. Ill be the dead body and you be the funeral director. I will lie here quietly and look dead. We will put soft music on the radio and you mumble to each other in soothing tones about how peaceful I look. I am sure I will like this game better than the let’s jump on the bed from the top of mommy’s legs game or the pull mommy’s hair jam coins into her eyes “you mr. krabs” “You pirate” “you princess” “you daddy” game. No takers? Ok how we pretend we are on vacation and you are mommy’s little cabana boys? You bring me drinks and Ill pretend Im getting a suntan.

Other ways my morning was bad:
- Missed the farmer’s market because I was up all night and too tired to drive. Did not get any extra sleep due to above mentioned antics.
- Got yelled at by six year old for calling Gill “bitch”, despite repeated attempts to clarify that I wasn’t calling him “a” bitch, I was calling him “my” bitch, thus negating the insulting implication of the word.
- Got lectured by same six year old for excessive use of toilet paper. Was asked to demonstrate how much toilet paper I generally use and corrected accordingly.
- Got yelled at by three year old for mishandling the handful of imaginary kittens he gave me. I should have drowned the little bastards.
-And the most offensive part of my morning: Gill made me clean for bacon. Complete and utter inhumanity.

Friday is a good day to eat fries. But so is anyday really.

More odds and ends until a new story congeals. (Face it friends, shunnings from vagrants and high speed chases with wheelchair bound haughty little people don’t happen every day so we soldier on until then).

- The turnip keeps pooping on the floor. Yes, it’s completely disgusting but it also brings to light that being that Im not generally into defecation kink, I (like most folks) have not seen the act of human pooping in vivo. It’s much more surprising than you think to see it play out in front you. Kind of like seeing a picture of the grand canyon, then seeing the grand canyon. Except not as inspiring.

-The au pair is in Seattle right now which is kind of a bad thing, but the good thing is that we are testing out new sitters. Right now we have a set of twins here. (Don’t go there friends, they are nice girls) The boys are excited because they feel like they have personalized baby sitters.

- I dumped a 32 oz glass of iced tea on the printer yesterday. I cannot even begin to describe the negative ways this will impact my life.

- Speaking of negative impact, forgive the repetition my friends on twitter, but I cannot stress enough how much of a bad idea it is to forget a half eaten fish sandwich in your trunk. It is way worse than the liquefied watermelon ever ever was.

Ok friends. I probably will have more tonight as Im working towards a maximal productive weekend

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Sometimes I can’t start blogging because I have no post title.

And now I can move on. Mostly random shit tonight folks.

- Bugles have become my new honey mustard pringles. To the point that my lips and tongue are burnt from the salt. It’s a good burnt though. And still I keep eating them. Im eating them right now you know. Do you feel a little dirtier? knowing that? I think you do.

- The good thing about a sleep machine is that I have a lot of more energy than I used to. For example, I was at my dad’s the other day and the phone rang. Usually I don’t move when this happens (hey, he can haul his 64 year old ass off the chair just as well as I can and it’s his phone. Don’t you judge me, Im looking out for his heart health). But before I could even think twice, my leg twitched like I was going to get up. He was out of the chair answering it before things got out of hand and I was moving limbs or anything crazy but we were both impressed with my new found prowess.

-The bad thing about a sleep machine is that I don’t automatically wake up anymore. I sleep in. Ive been late for two appointments this week because my handy little internal alarm clock was apparently the sign of severely dysfunctional circadian rhythms.

- I’ve never successfully spelled the word rhythms on my first try.

-Here is an exciting twist in my ongoing love affair with Sheetz. It happened Saturday after having a lengthy conversation with my new friend Dennick about said love affair on Saturday (he is as equally smitten). Less than 8 hours after the conversation, I found myself at the very same Sheetz location that Id said I don’t frequent often (which happens to be his most accessible Sheetz) pumping gas. I look around idly friends and there it is. A big sign that says “My Sheetz Rewards”. Friends, it was like the heavens opened up and sprinkled manna all around me. I’m fairly certain that Sheetz has decided to reward me just for being me.

- Im starting to notice that the older I get, the less I like people. And even if I initially like them? Sometimes I find myself liking them less the second time I meet them. Im fairly certain Im on the fast path to bitter old woman. At least Im hoping it’s that path and not the path to a violently psychotic break from reality. Either way, Ill keep you posted.

Maybe I just need to drum it out.

That’s all I got for you friends…..

Happy Belated Birthday Turnip

My turnip is three now. The post is belated not because we forgot his birthday but because my organizer got stolen friday night (from Chuck E. Cheese no less!) (And to save yourselves the trouble, Luckybuzz’s own Gospel Bob already got the “rat” jokes in first) and then with the altercation Saturday, well… there is really no excuse. Anyway, here are a few self-indulgent photos of my little “haranguatang”. (if ever there was an oh-so-fitting nickname)

see how he is blurry? It makes me realize how fateful the paparazzi coup of last week actually was. Miraculous really.

This next one is not from the fateful organizer snatching night but from a visit to Chuck E. Cheese from a few weeks ago. It’s part of a series of (again quite blurry) shots I called “Turnip phone stalks Chucky”

Pick up the phone baby. I know you are there. You know you still care about me. Chuckie...we need to work this out. PICK UP THE GODDAM PHONE....wait...im sorry. See you made me yell. Call me so we can just talk about this.

And the next has a gratuitous brother shot included. Because on a completely serious note, one of the happiest moments of my summer was drumming with my boys last night.

The damn guy in the mustache Never. Backs. Off. How can be uninhibited with him breathing down my neck all the time?

Well....I don't really have pent up rage. Im only six and my mom is a counselor.

Happy birthday baby boy. We love you more than you could ever imagine.

A Crse self-reflection post

Friends, I need to process a little here. An event occurred recently that has caused some inner turmoil. I’ve been feeling a lot of insecurity and self-doubt since it happened and made me ask myself some hard questions about my own character. Im going to relate the situation here and see if I can’t develop some insight as I write.

The incident occurred during an interaction with a homeless gentleman while I was working at the farmer’s market* yesterday. He approached on my co-worker’s side and I didn’t notice him right away as they were engaged in conversation. I did tune in time to hear him ask about getting some coffee. We were set up right next to the free trade coffee table where you could buy a cup or a bag. My table-mate seemed to be struggling to understand that he was asking for a cup. Since I speak “mental disability” fairly fluently, I caught on and led him over to get a cup. He was shaking a bit so in what I hoped looked like hospitality as opposed to condescension, I started to pump a cup from the thermos and when I asked how he took it, he told me I could put cream and sugar in as I saw fit. The coffee ran out before the cup was half full and my friend at the free trade table told us a fresh pot was brewing and went to get it We drifted into other activities. Soon, we reconvened there to observe that the coffee hadn’t come back out. He decided to go with decaf. As soon as his cup was filled, my friend emerged with the fresh pot. I immediately offered to take the decaf so he could have caffeine. We joked about needing caffeine and all seemed fine between until I offered to put the cream and sugar in. He immediately got defensive and said he’d do it himself. Now friends, I am used to irrational hostility. From grown-ups. In near proximity of my person. But for some reason, his defensiveness made me feel really nervous to the point that I emptied a full packet of sugar into the trash pouch. He continued to mutter at me and when I asked him what he said, he stopped muttering and said in an offended way “Ive said all Im going to say.” We went our separate ways but for the rest of the morning I spent time wondering how I offended him while telling myself I was being ridiculous as I know enough about mental illness to not personalize the outburst. I guess he decided to move on with our relationship and give me another chance because he did approach me for a light at the end of the market and didn’t seem too offended when I told him I don’t smoke.

Since the event happened, the guilt over offending him has dissipated but Im still struggling with why I felt so bothered by the thought that I insulted this man. I’m generally completely comfortable with people thinking Im an asshole (unless I really like them, and let’s be honest, the strong urine stench emanating from his person immediately prohibited any real soul connection from developing during our brief time together). Nor do I think Im above being insensitive to other people’s needs (remind me to tell you folks about the time I asked about a co-worker’s culture using the phrase “I understand you sleep with your young.” Nice. And then you eat them?). I even would go so far as to agree with the assertion that homeless people can be assholes sometimes. Generally, I can laugh off these encounters without too much thought, trying to learn from any social blunder Ive made but this guy threw me right off my game and I don’t know why. Ok so that’s the story and I still have no insights. Still Ill post this because who doesn’t appreciate a good “shunned by the homeless guy” story? Right?

* So when I use the phrase “im working at a farmer’s market this summer”, (go ahead take a few moments to laugh that out) I can understand how one could draw certain erroneous conclusions about what is transpiring there so we will take a moment and correct the assumptions folks might make that are clearly incongruent with everything you’ve learned or known about my character. First “work” is more like compulsory volunteering (no it’s not parole…) and does not involve any manual labor. In this context, work means I sit at a table handing out community events literature and chatting with folks for three hours on Saturday morning (or two hours since Ive not managed to get there on time for the first two weeks of the season). Lucy is also part of this gig which makes it even less work-like. Now that Ive defined “work”, you’ve most likely drawn the conclusion that I have nothing to do with anything farmer-y or vegetable-y in the market. You’d be correct. Im explaining all of this as the farmer’s market will most likely play into future posts and I can’t have you people think Im into vegetables or anything like that. I have a reputation to protect.